The Ansatsuken Kid
by BPin
Summary: The legendary Akuma has felt the stinging blow of Sagat's crouching fierce punch...and now, it is time for him to leave behind a successor. And B.B. Hood is the only one around.
1. Enter the Master and the Pupil!

The glorious master of Ansatsuken's most revered, deadly techniques succumbed to the weakness of his own human ego. Defeated by Sagat's crouching fierce punch, Akuma tried to leave Nairobi, Kenya by masking his own energy with the energy of the desert winds, but he still left behind a trail of human blood. Akuma, as powerful as he was, never made a transition to the invincible incarnation of a demon. But he was very well a demon in spirit, which is why this particular hunter set out looking for him.

Clad in red robes, her name was Baby Bonnie "Buletta" Hood. Buletta knew that Akuma's soul was worth its weight in gold and diamonds, so she would make a profit of it once the Ansatsuken warrior kicked the bucket. But surviving the harsh African environment was difficult. Shamed by the Crouching Fierce's broken priority, Akuma had chosen not to return to his amusement park island on the Garcia Foundation's complementary losers' jet, opting rather to avoid all contact with others and go through harsh meditation in the bitter sands of the Calamari deserts.

This, of course, pissed off Buletta. The few days she estimated this bounty...soul would set her back had turned into weeks. By the seventeenth day, Buletta's food supply in her massive basket had dissolved into merely a banana and a chicken wing, and she knew that Smith and Wesson, the two giant men living in her basket weren't going to share _their_ food. Just about ready to give up and die, she stopped walking, defiantly stared at the scorching sun, extended her arms, and let herself collapse on a giant mound of sand. With her last bit of energy remaining, she said "I shouldn't have gone on foot." After all, a camel would've set her wallet back a little, and she would've had to feed it, and the bounties were coming short lately. Buletta's stingy management of her money killed her in the end.

Or it would have if she had died right there. The giant mound of sand she had plopped herself on was replaced by a cool turf of grass. Grass all around her, and a nice, clear pool behind her. Buletta got up and realized that she had been dragged to an oasis. After further investigation of the area, she found her target meditating besides a palm tree, peacefully emitting a dark glow from his body. Excited, Buletta reached into her dress to pull out her gun...and realized it was not there. Akuma stopped glowing, and turned his head towards the bounty hunter.

"Guns are for pussies." Akuma squinted his blood-red eyes into the girl's mind, and she nodded her head.

"Well, they get the job done, at least. ... Hand 'em over sparky." 

Akuma had just gone back to meditating, but bounced right back up.

"Sparky? Goddamn...you're a dumb bitch." The comment only managed to piss off Buletta even more. She had the nerve to go up to him and bitch slap his pug face, but once she tried that, she was met by an immediate parry and, while she was briefly disoriented, was counter thrown. "Bitch, why did you _even_ try?"

The girl was dizzy after the throw. Eschewing Akuma's destruction for the moment, she was headed towards the oasis' pool and was surprised to learn that the water...felt a lot like a hard mound of sand. The oasis around Buletta faded away and she was back where she had initially fell exhausted. Akuma rose and offered the girl an explanation.

"You can control everything in your mind and shit...but you have to be calm like the water, as smooth as the piss." Akuma said, with an aura which made it sound like he could kick your ass with just a glance at you. Buletta got up and paid the illusion no heed. "I can cloud your mind because...you are weak."

"That's a nifty trick that you can conjure up, but I have two big mother fuckers in my basket who're ready to bust not one, not two, but SIXTY-NINE caps in your ass. Now kindly relinquish your soul so I can get t3h mon3y ... and get that ass job I always wanted!" Buletta had no shame. All she wanted was a nice ass.

"While you alone could never take my life...I am already tending the debilitating wounds of a warrior before you. All I wish now is to confront the great inevitable." Akuma resumed meditation, while Buletta took out her basket and summoned Smith and Wesson to shoot Akuma. Somehow, their giant bullets were unable to pierce through Akuma's big head, and they gave up. Akuma was undisturbed by the ruckus. Not wanting to give up, Buletta took out a mine and tossed it into Akuma's lap. It exploded, but Akuma was not harmed. Irritated, Buletta took out a knife and tried to slit Akuma's throat; the knife couldn't even scratch the Ansatsuken master. Akuma's meditation remained undisturbed.

"You know...this would be a lot easier if you gave me my guns back." Buletta resigned, and laid upon the hot desert sands on her back. "But, ch'yeah. You're gonna die sooner and later! And that soul of yours? That demon heart that drives the infamous Akuma? That shit's MINE!" 

"...Kid, do you have a day job? You're better off just working at K-Mart." 

Soon the night fell and the heat had become more bearable than before. The energy Buletta had worn out during the day was finally coming back with the refreshment of the evening winds. She propped herself up. Akuma's meditation period had finally ended, and stood up to the comparatively diminutive hunter. 

"Stand back." Akuma commanded sharply.

"Where do YOU come off telling me-" Buletta was interrupted by Akuma's pimp slap.

"Stand the fuck back so I can educate you." Buletta stepped back. "I will instruct you in the Satsui no Hadou. called the Satsui no Hadou. A bunch of mother fuckers like Ryu and Dan Hibiki think they know it, but they're pussies and they fuck it up. So I leave it ... to you." Buletta's jaw dropped.

"Uh, you wanna teach me...what?"

"I have spent the past few hours probing your very heart. It seems that your heart...is blacker than it appears to be. You... _can_ be a ruthless warrior. You have more than enough disregard for human life necessary to pay respect towards the killing arts. You are tireless, and your mind is ripe for perfection. My time on this mortal coil is limited...so watch my movements intently. If you do not recall these techniques correctly the first time, you'll fuck it up for everyone else who wants to know it." Akuma began to extend his foot and his fist when Buletta asked a question.

"Uh, why the fuck would I want to know this stupid thing anyway? It's of no value to me!"

Akuma responded to this question by taking off his belt and showing Buletta his ass. "The Satsui no Hadou also gives you...a nice ass."

"OH SHIT! OH SHIT! OH...OH SHIT!!!" Buletta could hardly contain herself

"Now..." Akuma found a mound of sand, sat on it, and took off his white briefs. "Give me a hand job."

"..." Buletta had nothing more than a blank expression for a response.

"I'm serious. You want that ass, don't you?" Insulted, Buletta took out a machine gun and shot Akuma in the nads; however, the bullets bounced off his sack. "Quickly, I can feel my _soul_ slipping away from me. ... And its not as if I'm asking you to suck it or anything, and you just need to use one hand. Chop chop."

"Er..." Recalling that Akuma's soul would command a high bounty, Buletta decided it would be best if she at least stuck with him and entertained the idea of becoming his pupil for his last days. She decided to toss aside a little dignity, for money and an ass. Buletta leaned towards Akuma's crotch, hesitantly knelt down, and took out her right hand. "You got any soap? ... And is that thing clean?"

"It's hella clean. The bitches off those import car magazines said so themselves." Akuma smirked, but Buletta got up in defiance.

"Shut the fuck up and get small. Think of your mom or something." Buletta knelt down again, but saw no diminishment on Akuma's part.

"Nuh uh. Satsui no Hadou cocks don't get small, they get _shin _and/or _evil._ My bad." Akuma wasn't lying.

__

I WANNA KILL HIM DEAD! was the only thought echoed in Buletta's head, but she did just as she was instructed; a hand job with one hand. However, this wasn't what Akuma wanted.

"You fucked up already. No grasping. Just use friction on ONE side of the wang."

__

I WANNA KILL HIM DEAD!!! was the new thought echoed in Buletta's head, but she tried this ineffective ejaculation method on Akuma anyway. She wanted to kill Akuma, Akuma's mom, Gouki (the alternate universe version of Akuma, who was a sophisticated librarian in the 18th century), Akuma's dad, any remote family that Akuma has, hell, she didn't stop there. She wanted to kill everyone with who looked like Akuma, had a name that rhymed with Akuma, had a name starting with A, hell, she wanted to kill Akuma's pubic hair. But she was all too privy to the fact that nothing could kill this demon incarnate, besides the Crouching Fierce. 

"If you're smart, you'll get your face out of my crosshairs right now." Akuma grunted.

"Oh...oh...HELL NO!!!" Buletta leaped just in time to avoid Akuma's fiery demon jizz, which hit a scorpion which became a fossil in a matter of seconds. She felt her right hand become sore, which would make it difficult if she were to stab someone per se. "I hope you ENJOYED that, you perverted PRICK!"

"Takes one to know one, natch. ... I'm cold." Akuma put his pants back on.

"Thanks to you my hand smells like your nutsack! You fascist dick! You ... you ... uh, you're a pervert!" Normally, Buletta would say something along the lines of "die, monster! You don't belong in this world!" However, Akuma was a monster who couldn't be killed; thus, she was thin on the insults. "Your mama ain't raise you right for SHIT!"

"Shut up. Now you have another exercise." Akuma reached into his tattered gi and pulled a bottle of Pert Plus from under his armpit. "I have hella dandruff. Scrub this shit in my hair."

"Am I nothing more than your maid?! Are you gonna ask me to shit for you next?!" The quality of her insults might've taken a sharp fall, but Buletta's anger hadn't subsided one bit.

"...that's not a bad idea. Now take this-" Akuma tossed her the Pert Plus "-and scrub really hard by pushing two hands into my hair at the same time. Your hands must act in unity, as one. Push & pull, push & pull, it's simple. Even my brother can do it."

Buletta, confused, did as she was told.

"Oh. Yeah, my brother's dead."

"...oh, I get it now. Hey, fuck you, I can do anything a dead guy can." Buletta didn't quite follow her instructions and wound up kneading through both sides of Akuma's head using both of her hands.

***

Street Fighter, Akuma, Sagat and related characters and names © 1987-2003 CAPCOM

DarkStalkers, B.B. Hood and related characters and names © 1994-2003 CAPCOM


	2. The Dispute Within a Sandstorm

"You fucked up again!" Akuma rose from his sitting mound of sand. "This is how you're supposed to do it." Akuma opened the palms of his hands and placed them together. Then he pushed the air with them. "It's easy. Open your fingers up when you pull on my hair too." Akuma sat back down.

"You know what? You're ... retarded!" Buletta did as she was told this time.

Once Buletta was finished tending Akuma's hair, he said that it was time for them to rest. Akuma soundly meditated under the moon while Buletta sat against a palm tree, taking security in its shade. It wasn't before long that she fell asleep, no part due to the strenuous work Akuma put her through.

And so, she had a dream. Buletta imagined herself in a fierce, apocalyptic war between Mexico and the United States of America. Her mission was to locate the rare NES game Wrecking Crew in a book store in San Francisco; but before she could do that, she would have to cross the Mexican border, which would be a near impossibility. Her only way out would be to stow away on the limo-ship of a powerful Columbian drug cartel, shipping crack in watermelons. She made it to San Francisco in about three minutes after helping Mexican refugees fight off the classified American mercenaries, the MERCS. After she got Wrecking Crew, Buletta enjoyed lunch at an arcade/buffet, which was promptly destroyed by none other than Akuma.

"The fight is beyond death..." is what he said. Then he shot a thick loogey at her head.

It was a very fragmented dream, but considering she was able to remember all these details, it showed that Buletta had a lot of zinc in her diet. The loogey woke her up; it was from the camel that slobbered over her face. Buletta wiped the goop off and put her arm around the camel's neck, until she realized it was carrying her, along with her basket. Akuma was on another camel in front of her. Buletta dug through her basket; the guns Akuma took from her the previous day were still gone.

"Hey, GUY! Where's my guns 'n ammo?!"

"Didn't you get them back? How else did you try shooting me in the crotch yesterday?" Akuma shrugged.

"Oh, um...I jacked that gun from Smith & Wesson. They won't lend me one again." Buletta took her basket and spit in it, but Akuma sighed.

"The agonized souls of those you kill...they are all the 'companions' you should have on your journey." Buletta didn't know what he meant by that, but she could more than relate.

"...You can hear them too?"

"...Always." Akuma said, almost under his breath. Buletta nudged her camel forward, interested in what else Akuma had to say.

"So...what do _you_ do, when they won't stop bothering you?" Buletta waited.

"...I tell them to SHUT TEH FUK UP!!!" Akuma's yelling was not-so-subtly directed toward Buletta. Catching light of that, Buletta clonked her camel's head, got off of it, and hiked up to the camel in front of her, who began to walk faster. 

"You pretentious asshead! What kind of balls do you have to constantly assume that you're the one above me! I'm a bounty hunter, and the only thing of worth to me of you isn't your constant lecturing, but the black market value on your SOUL!" Akuma nudged his camel to stop, and he sat above Buletta, her hood obscuring her face.

"Lesson three. Humility. You can't fight everyone who tells you to shut the fuck up. Fight not the weak, or out of revenge...only of the need for all of the world's strength. Do you understand now?" Buletta lifted her head, and her angry expression hadn't cleared up yet.

"...Your _lessons _are worth as much as this damn sand!" Almost on cue, the winds started to swell and rush around Buletta, Akuma, and their camels. The winds stirred up much sand, which began pounding harder on their bodies. Their stubbornness refused for their eyes to unlock, and they ignored the cyclone, until their faces were visible only as shadows.

"Get back on your camel, which you should be thankful to me for." Said a figure behind the whirlwind.

"Not until you stop fucking with me!" Said the other.

"Don't tell me that you'll stand there like a doll!" rumbled Akuma. She didn't stand. She fell. "...you went and got sand in your throat, did you?" Akuma garnered enough ki in an instant to hover above the air and blasted his Zankuu Hadouken to the center of the whirlwind. He gently floated to the earth while his Hadouken dissipated the cyclone. He grabbed Buletta and dragged her to a flat surface of sand. _Oh shit, I don't know CPR._ Not knowing how else to approach this, Akuma stomped on Buletta's stomach. _What a disappointment to let such an opportunity slip by...she isn't perfect, but she must still live to become as such._

"OW!!! WHAT *cough* IN THE FU-*cough*" Buletta coughed up the sand she inhaled, but Akuma couldn't hear her over the stomping and his internal monologue.

"The pupil cannot die before the master!" Akuma stomped harder, and Buletta produced a squeaking noise. "The true spirit of Ansatsuken must live on!" He stomped on her belly once more. 

"I'M UP, YOU DIPSHIT!!!"

"Oh." Akuma slapped Buletta. "I'm no dipshit."

***

Street Fighter, Akuma, Sagat and related characters and names © 1987-2003 CAPCOM

DarkStalkers, B.B. Hood and related characters and names © 1994-2003 CAPCOM


	3. The Fiasco at Church's Chicken

"My stomach still hurts, you ass!" Buletta managed to yell while still coughing up sand. Akuma could only be heard grunting. "None of this would've happened if you stopped talking like a cryptic, homicidal maniac! If you made just one bit of sense, I would've been satisfied! But noooo!" She was perched on her camel again, but braced it after noticing a strange shape in the horizon. "Is that...a building?" Indeed, it was a small building, peculiar in its loneliness . A figure, vaguely reminiscent of a man, appeared and walked into it. Civilization was within eye's sight. "Hey, Aku, it's a BUILDING!" She pushed her camel on, to reach the seemingly oblivious Akuma. "Buildings usually have PEOPLE! We're saved and shit!"

The only thing of concern to Akuma was replaying his last match with Sagat. Sagat used his fierce punch to knock Akuma off-guard, an unexpectedly pulled out a Tiger Uppercut, and a couple Tiger Shots. Sagat began to enjoy juggling Akuma with the Tiger Shots until he was dealt a final blow with the Tiger Genocide, and one more crouching fierce punch to the stomach, for bravado's sake.

"I am so honorable and shit," Sagat said, believing that Akuma was actually his equal in this fight. "Can I shake your hand, or give you a high five?" Sagat was oblivious to his own god-like powers; every time Sagat used his crouching fierce, a first born child died, and a far off galaxy was obliterated by the mathematical chaos which resulted from Sagat's priority. Akuma stood up, kicked Sagat in his balls, and left. 

"Fuck honor," Akuma coldly chanted. That is when Akuma left to meditate in the desert, where he would later run into Buletta. While they were still waiting for their camels to reach the now slightly more visible structure, Buletta decided to pass the time by asking her bounty head a few questions.

"Akuma? What do you think that building is, hmm? A bar? A pawn shop? A Church's Chicken? Come on, take a guess!" After getting tired of the silent treatment, Buletta got off of her camel yet again, and dashed. She so slid on the now smoother sands that she almost missed the empty expression on Akuma's face. "Uh, Akuma?" No response, not for a while. The man who entered the building before had finally walked out of it, carrying an unlabeled plastic bag.

"It's a Church's Chicken." 

"Uh, how are you so sure about that?" asked the puzzled Buletta.

"That fool walked into it, and just got his order twenty minutes after." Akuma said, assuredly.

"But what makes that exclusive to Church's Chicken?" Buletta was puzzled.

"It's a long story. But let's just say I'm the owner of the franchise."

"Oh...well, I'm PARCHED and shit! Get me a biscuit and a drumstick or something!" Buletta cheered, and made "w00ting" noises.

"...uh, I don't got African money," Akuma said solemnly. 

"Wait a second...don't you own that shit?! Can't you just MAKE them at least give us a meal?!" 

"Nope." Upon hearing that, Buletta shrugged, and went off into the now visible Church's Chicken. "But at least we have a joint in Africa. It means we're...BLOWIN' UP."

"Blowin' up...can't even get a meal in your own gotdamn restaurant..." Buletta muttered.

"Why are you going there? This is not on our stop," boomed Akuma.

"Hey, Aku...can you let me have my guns back?" Buletta had asked the question out of the blue. 

"Impossible, even if I wanted to. ... I ate them." 

"Oh. ... That's retarded. Okay then." She walked at a slightly faster pace, and right into the chicken restaurant. "If we're not going to buy a meal, I'm gonna slaughter everyone in it and take a couple biscuits, maybe a soda and some mac & cheese. That's okay with you?" Buletta walked up to the entrance, cocked her head, and pulled out a bowie knife.

"Please don't tell me you're not going to even consider this blood spree devoid of purpose. The killing intent is only a philosophy on the battleground, for the strong; to kill for there mere sake of killing is a waste of time, and talent! ... And it's bad for business."

"Boo. No biscuit for you then." Buletta threw open the doors, and, a second later, tossed her knife at an employee, barely resembling a man, who ducked in order to avoid a nasty head wound. "Damn, am I getting sloppy?" She saw a terrified little girl with a dog, both trembling underneath a table. Interested in the dog, Buletta ducked underneath the table herself. "What's your name? Hmm?"

"Mi...Mi...Mic..." the girl stammered. She was met with a slap to the face.

"Not you, the dog." Realizing she'd get no answer from the child's pet, she wasted no time harassing the employee who just narrowly avoided her tossed knife. Buletta ran to the counter, and pulled the man by his shoulders, who started speaking in some sort of gibberish Buletta didn't make out. "Let me guess. You're chanting out the name of your random African deity, right? That one's always the _best _part...It's the 'oh God, please spare my life!' bit that makes this the GREATEST. JOB. EVER!" 

"Impudent." Akuma meandered into the Church's, jerked Buletta, and tossed her outside the entrance. He gestured to the employee before he left.

"Sorry about that Blanka. Why'd they transfer you to this Calamari outskirt?"

"MARGH! MMUMB!" 

"Oh yeah, there're no anacondas here. Right."

***

Street Fighter, Akuma, Sagat and related characters and names © 1987-2003 CAPCOM

DarkStalkers, B.B. Hood and related characters and names © 1994-2003 CAPCOM


	4. The Text of Gouken?

No sooner did Akuma walk out the doors of the Church's did Buletta have a small missile pointed at his face.

"You know, I always wondered...why do guys like thinking with their dicks half the time?"

Akuma made a "huh?" sound. _Should've taken her missiles too. Damn._

"When guys look at a woman, they think, 'I'd put my dick THIS-' and then they put a big distance in between their hands, to illustrate the distance of the path of the dick in question '-far up her!' And that's how they rank 'em! Dick valve rating! Why the shit is that?" Buletta sighed, but kept her missile locked until she realized that while she was preaching, Akuma was about to release their camels. "Hey, where do you think you're going while I'm threatening you?!"

"Oh, you mean I was supposed to stand there?"

"That's the point, yes!!!" She licked her lips. The sun was overbearing, and her thick hood, while absorbing the sunlight, only made her feel a bit more than uncomfortable in the humidity. But Akuma wasn't impressed by her little rocket. 

"Um, okay. But that little bitch-ass missile of yours is for whores. I won't even consider you anymore if you don't put it away." Buletta put her hand to her chin and tried deducing the meaning of his statement: "I won't even consider you anymore..." _What, is he gonna go and launch a big ki attack or something? It'd look retarded if I just backed away from him like that... _She also took into account the awkward heaviness of this missile. _Okay then. I'll just put it away!_ Akuma's criticism of Buletta's prize projectile was taken to heart; she looked at it with a discerning eye, thought to herself _And I'm not a whore,_ and relinquished it, back into her basket.

"Um but like I was saying...in this world, if you have a cooch, you need to have a body, or at least a cute face because bodies can be bought, but cute faces...like this one here..." Buletta paused to point at her face. "can't be easily replicated." Akuma noted that 

"Bitch, your gung-ho ass went against my orders and almost shot up my store. Sure, I didn't know there was a Church's even here, but it's still my store. Yet you have the nerve to talk shit to me? Be gone." Akuma was ready to wander off into a different direction, and even started to dash across the desert in a different direction, but Buletta cried out.

"WAIT! Um, my point is...when does this Satsui no Hadou thing work? The thing with the ass growth?" Akuma stopped running; actually, he wasn't planning on running off anywhere. He just wanted Buletta to get to the point already.

"Answer me this first; why fuck up my business?"

"Because I thought that's what you're supposed to do! Satsui no Hadou, Murderous Intent, HELLO?! Aren't you supposed to clip people left and right?!" Buletta wailed her arms about, trying to demonstrate the frustration of understanding the concept.

"It's that dumb fuck assumption that makes Satsui no Hadou so difficult to teach. Satsui no Hadou is about growing stronger while forsaking human life, but not forsaking human life period. Once anything, natural or not, interferes with your progress, you tear it down. But when you tear the world around you down, you lost the whole meaning of 'it' already. Besides. If you end up mauling a Mickey D's in California, you'll never know if that little boy whose McDonalds Playhouse you fuck up is studying Satsui no Hadou from his gramps, and he kills you quicker than a little girl at a pedophile's convention." Buletta looked away, somehow allowing this to set in. "You understand now?"

"...no!" 

"And that's why we're training. Hmm. The desert is making my breath hot and stank. You wanna go somewhere?"

"You say that like we're not stuck in the middle of the Sahara desert."

"Calamari," Akuma corrected

"Whateve-"

"And who said we're stuck?" Akuma grabbed the two camels, poked Buletta with his index finger, and with his free hand placed his other index finger on his forehead. Buletta raised an eyebrow, in doubt of what Akuma was about to do. The wind conjured up last time returned; in response and as reflex, she looked up at him. 

"Alright. Watch this: I learned it off of DBZ." It was, merely in that moment alone, that sandstorms were rectified to the pair by fog, haze, and bitter cold. A fitting antithesis to the harsher, warmer, environment thus far. However, with calm comes brevity, as it was difficult for Buletta to realize where she was now. "This is inheritance." 

"Inheritance?" Buletta swiped Akuma's finger off of her, and sharpened her eyes to see beyond the haze. Big trees in abundance; it's a forest. She let the detail that Akuma knew how to teleport long range distances finally slip in. "YOU ASS FACED ACCIDENTAL BIG SHIT...ASS!"

"You're really trying to stretch the limitations of your profanity, aren't you, Cunt nipples?" Akuma instinctively dashed in one direction, dragging Buletta along by her hood. "Bad fog. Don't get lost." Trying to keep up with Akuma, Buletta's legs started aching from trying to keep up. 

"I'M NOT GONNA GET LOST, AND WARN ME NEXT TIME!!!" By the time she felt a cramp head up to her stomach, Akuma stopped, grabbed Buletta, and chucked her into an old shack-like shelter, an old wooden structure meant to serve as housing, which couldn't be seen through the fog.

"This is my inheritance. I'll go attend to the matter of our camels by dropping them off in some zoo. You will have time to compose yourself, and walkabout. This is where I hope...to die, and for you to see clearly the path before you. Get acquainted to it." Before she could even think about asking the more obvious questions, Akuma vanished again. _Get acquainted with this?! The karate demon's a shitty comedian...damn, this is probably the most ghetto house I've been in since Grandma's little shack in the forest, and even that was made of brick, after we fucked up that wolf at least. And the only door here was that screen door! I just got flung through it._ As her eyes adjusted to the darkness of this shelter, she noticed that it was more than a bit bigger than she had initially assumed. In fact, she even saw a hallway, and another screen door perturbing, unscathed, unlike the other one. _Well, maybe...at least there's more than one room. _As curious as the fairy tale archetypes before her, Buletta introduced herself to this room. She was greeted by a nearly blank room, the only property in it being a desk, a bookshelf, and several books (presumably knocked off the bookshelf) on the desk. Yet, there was still apparently nothing to do in this shaky "home" besides meditate. Reading a book in this room would require taking it to the recently broken screen door outside, and with such little daylight scorning through the stubborn murkiness, reading any book would prove to be an annoyance. She tried it. 

Buletta gathered the books on the desk, and went out to read. Light poked out of the massive hole through the door like a giant ray, but she found the mist uncomfortable to read through itself. So, preferring herself to stay in the shadows of the shack while extending the books into the light, she obscured herself in darkness. Perhaps, one could look at this image discerningly, and think that our heroine found spiritual oneness in the emptiness of light forsaken shadows in a man forsaken excuse of a house, but forsaken may not be the word Buletta wants. _I'd rather it be that the shade is fuzzy, _was her own comment on the matter of the comfort of loneliness, upon her own meditation on it.

The first book was entitled _Shoryuken: Study of Chance Standing _written by one "Goutetsu." Buletta skimmed through its yellowed pages; it was quite an old book, perhaps a classic that could be sold on the Internet for the price of what it would cost for Buletta to buy her dog a plush new home. Ah, her dog, Harry. A shame he wasn't there. **"Launch subtle ki burst beneath upon fist's contact with opponent...a creative option would be to enflame the fist with ki, a most unsubtle touch...is known to scar..."** Buletta verbally gestured a "huh?" _What's a ki?_ she fancied. _Sounds like a fish._

The author of the second book was not a one-hit wonder, the term applicable only if his study on "Shoryuken" was a hit. As indicated on another book, he has also published what seemed to be a collection of poetry. _Ha Dou Ken _read the title cover, apparently Goutetsu's second published work. Skimming the excerpts however, Buletta learned that Ha Dou Ken was not a series of clever analytical haikus; rather it was another bizarre study. **"The Hadouken resembles a fist enflamed while shot...it is difficult to master homing Hadoukens, as each individual Hadouken must have a greater amount of meditated ki to launch...the Hadoukens are peculiar in that they do not cause burns..."** Buletta shelved the book quickly. _What the fuck? _was the only thing she conjured to describe that text. 

__

The Journal of the Tatsumaki Senpuu Kyaku was the title of another of the books. **"A light burst of ki beneath to hover above the ground for an extended period...spin your leg counter-clockwise..."** was what Buletta could manage through a single skim. _So, uh...yeah. Counter-clockwise._ She tossed these books aside, but maintained interest upon reading the final book's title: _Satsui no Hadou: How I Did It_, an anthology or sorts edited by several names unfamiliar to Buletta, besides the prolific Goutetsu's. _Where's the part about the ass? I wonder if it says anything about busts..._ She opened it.

***

Street Fighter, Akuma, Sagat and related characters and names © 1987-2003 CAPCOM

DarkStalkers, B.B. Hood and related characters and names © 1994-2003 CAPCOM


	5. The Pros and Cons of Satsui no Hadou! Do...

Buletta read, and reread the key passages in this book for hours. **"Energy production within the body increases as it is applied to the body's limbs, similar to a 'fight-or-flight-' reaction...The increased activity continues until Satsui no Hadou is relinquished...Carbohydrates are allocated to the buttocks, and as well in the case of females, the chest."** Upon discovering these lines of text, Buletta giggled and stood up, perhaps due to the burst of energy which came from this new hope. _So it's true, it's damn true! My ass, hell, my boobs, I'll finally have...a body!!!_ Still grinning, she pointed her finger at the sky, or rather, the portions of the sky which were able to leak through the inefficient wooden ceiling. _Now, I'll never be mistaken for kindergarten jailbait ever again!!! Hell, I'll be HIGH SCHOOL jailbait! Then, I'll find a cute dick! _Upon the last thought, she klonked herself on the head. _Cute dick? ... Then I'll just be motivated to kill him, is all. I'll be a murderous psychopath! I know I already, um, am, but, I'll be just like...just like HIM! I won't waste a single day in the same old tattered stinky ghetto karate outfit, walking the earth, blowing up mountains with big bursts of energy and...explosions'll come out of my hands!_ Putting her extended finger away, and putting her hand to her chin, she sat down, and pondered upon this situation.

__

Well, let's see...we got me right now. Pros: I enjoy the finer things in life, like baths, a little socializing, and playing in fields of flowers with cute animals. Cons: I'm as developed as an Asian girl. Then we have a Satsui me. Pros: I'm as developed as an African amazon, and I get to cause even more mayhem with massive destruction waiting to be tapped from my fingertips! Cons: I don't bathe, I don't socialize, and there are no fields of flowers because by that time I'd have already blown them up with my fists of fury. Decisions are a bitch! In the middle of her frustration, Akuma returned from tending to other business, not very proud of the hole he made in the front screen door.

"Oh shit, I did that." 

"Oh...huh...yeah," uttered Buletta, still deep in thought. Akuma peered down at the books below.

"These are...his books. I hope you learned from them." Buletta was still mesmerized by the possibilities of accepting the Satsui no Hadou way.

"...I guess."

"You don't sound _decisive._ You are unable to use these techniques, staples of our Ansatsuken. Not yet, anyway." He bent down to gather the books. Upon putting them in his hands, the book on the Satsui no Hadou was placed in front of the others. "There are no lights in this old room and board. You shall bequeath unto the world its light," he echoed, tossing the books back into their room. "This was his room. Gouken's, and before him, Master Goutetsu's." Buletta winced her eyes; she couldn't quite see through the dark lodge yet. 

"'Bequeath the light?' You're always so cryptic and...vague." Akuma noticed a softness in her voice, unlike her previous boisterous voice intonations in the past. _Ah, she is becoming doubtful. A child uncertain can grow into many things. Ideally, this child should hesitantly bequeath unto the world its light, only to find her own. And, a nice rack,_ he fancied.

"Maybe for you, I can manage a flash light. This housing isn't plush with outside comforts." Akuma was ready to turn in, and only poked his head out of his new room to address Buletta. 

"Sure...can I ask you a question, though?" 

"...one for now."

"Okay. What's ki?" Buletta recalled the word being used in the books, but they never explained what it meant.

"Ki is the energy within all living creatures. Some of us, however, are ignorant as to its existence and live the course of our lives not utilizing it once. In our art, Ansatsuken, ki can be manifested. Eventually, you will learn how." Akuma could feel his life slipping away, if by slowly but surely. He wanted rest, for now. He went back into his room, when he heard her call again. 

"Okay. ... So you're going to fix things up in that room?"

"I would only answer one." 

"I was asking because...there isn't a bed here." With a sigh, Akuma poked his head out of the door one more time.

"Not here either. I have not been in these quarters for a long time. Whether or not comfortable beds are to be found, I am not aware. However, if your need is that strong, you can wander about the other rooms in the other hallways, for the _old master_ may have left them behind." Satisfied with his answer, Buletta stumbled her way through the lodging to find the hallways Akuma spoke of, and she eventually walked into a room. There was even a window, and by now, moonlight poured right through it. In this room, it revealed a sleeping bag. _At least tonight I can sleep warm._

So, she slept, albeit ignorant to her recent acceptance as the only pupil of the new Sensei of Ansatsuken. But she woke up the next morning, unable to remember her dream this time, to an unfamiliar moistness. It seemed that the wooden floor underneath her was ripped away from the shoddy lodge. Buletta, none too delighted, brushed the dirt off of her dress and remembered that she hadn't taken a shower since she first left to find Akuma days ago. She felt sticky. But her lack of cleanliness was most apparent on Buletta's blood red dress, which was in design a brighter red. And the sandy dirt on her face made her appear vaguely Puerto Rican. _Ugh, last I checked I was 1P, not 2 or 3P,_ she thought. To complain of the bare floor, she decided to look around the now visibly navigational lodging (thanks no doubt to the morning sunlight) to bitch to Akuma.

"AKU! Where's the floor?!" Buletta wailed, and heard the faint response of, "come here," from outside. She followed the voice and saw Akuma roasting the wood which once made up the floor, cooking something that vaguely resembled potatoes (though it was hard to tell from inside the burning pile of floor boards).

"Breakfast."

"WH...WH...WH-AGH!!!" Buletta, under the accumulative frustration of being dirty and without a comparatively warmer wood floor, went under the influence of blind rage, and chucked an explosive doll of herself at Akuma. It, of course, blew up in his face and did little to phase him.

"Why'd you do that? I'm just sitting here cooking Hot Pockets. I was gonna give you one too, but now I'm not sharing."

"WH...WH...WHA-DON'TYOUPATRONIZEMEYOU...OOHHELLNO!!!" In more blind rage, Buletta ran into the bundle of flames emitting from the burning floor boards and ate the Hot Pockets, while not hesitating to chew through the boards, and the fire. 

"Oh, it's about the floors."

"YES!"

"You don't like the cold wet dirt in the morning."

"YES!"

"Too bad. Take it like a man or a butch dike." Akuma had ripped the floor from the lodging to reacquaint his pupil to nature, without having to destroy the makeshift dojo completely. _I had seen a small flower attempt to break through the choking abomination of that wooden floor. It was distracting._ He didn't like to be distracted too often, obviously. Buletta calmed down to bitch in complete sentences.

"This place sucks! You don't even have a bathroom or a shower! Where do you piss, shit, and lather?!"

"Outdoorsmen have a saying... Just bush that shit."

***

Street Fighter, Akuma, Sagat and related characters and names © 1987-2003 CAPCOM

DarkStalkers, B.B. Hood and related characters and names © 1994-2003 CAPCOM


	6. The Epic Within! Buletta Rushes to the D...

"This isn't working!"

"...Time."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?!" Buletta was in the middle of channeling the ki mentioned in the Ansatsuken books. Akuma told her to sit down and attempt to focus her energy into her cupped hands. She hadn't pulled ki from her body yet, even after an hour of dull, rigorous meditation.

"Patience. Not even the greatest of men can spare it. It is needed to fully understand the value of the vague, the blurred, and the impossible. With time, comes the will to see the light in the dark; to make clear that which cannot be clear." Secretly, Akuma enjoyed giving Buletta his numbing mind fuck, but his riddles served another purpose.

"There you go again...how can you 'make clear that which cannot be clear?'" She suddenly felt a warmth in her hands, and could almost see a glow. "Hey...I think I got it! I got it, oh wise Sensei, I got it-" Buletta abruptly got sick when she looked at her hands. "What the hell is this?!"

"That is bird shit. You are not finished; sit down." Buletta sat.

"ARGH! But...making clear the unclear? It doesn't make any sense to me."

"...and why not?"

"Well, you can't just understand something that's impossible to understand! Look at a dictionary, find the word 'impossible,' and then you'll see what I mean!"

"...so, on matters pertaining to what you mean, or what you think, or what you feel...you turn to Webster?"

"...um...I turn to the Oxford one?" Buletta started to scratch her head.

"It is clear then that you must discover your own truths. See to it whether your impossibilities are truly unfeasible, or are not."

"Whatever, Aku. It still doesn't make any sense to me."

"The first step."

"Huh? ... Just tell me one more time how I'm supposed to do this!"

"Find your ki by feeling your energy. Feel your energy by navigating to your heart. You can know only the path to your heart with an open mind. There are many routes; know all, walk one." 

"...sure." _HE'S FUCKIN' NUTS!!! How the hell do I walk a path to my heart?! Is there a fucking interstate in my nervous system?! Oooh, let me imagine this: I'm gonna go find a driver, no, a TRUCK driver DRIVING on the INTERSTATE in my FUCKING nervous system! Hell, in order to attract this TRUCK driver to little ol' ME, I'm gonna take off my clothes, flash that bastard, and give him a good ol' THUMBS UP since that's the international hitchhike sign!_ Buletta imagined that a truck driver did indeed come to her imaginary interstate. _HEY, take me to my heart Mr. Truck Driver! "Wow, you have nice tits!" Oh, thanks Mr. Truck Driver! "Could use a bigger ass though, sorry." HEY, DON'T KICK ME OUT FOR HAVING NO ASS!!! ... OH HELL NO, I DID NOT JUST GET REJECTED IN MY OWN DAYDREAM!!!_

"Hmm." Akuma hummed. He noted Buletta cringing harder. "You are troubled. Overcome whatever blocks you! Who ever chooses to interfere, make forfeit of it!"

"Huh?" Buletta decided to re-dream the whole sequence. _Oh, thanks for picking me up, Mr. Truck Driver! You sure are handsome and all! "Wow, you're cute and all! Wanna fuck?" Oh, GLADLY Mr. Truck Driver!_

"...hmm." Akuma hummed. He noted Buletta drooling and grinning madly. _What the fuck?_

"Hmm...hee hee HEE." _Wow, that sure was some nice sex Mr. Truck Driver! Thanks for the hot steamy sex! "Oh, no problem my lady. Here's your heart. See you!" Wow! Once I let go of my own inner misconceptions about the way my ass looks, I think I've found my way to ... my heart! Er... Yeah.... What the hell do I do now?!_

"...hmm." Akuma hummed. He noted Buletta squirming, trying to figure out where to go from there. "Ahem. Turn your energy on by pushing that switch to the right of the generator, and turn on Master Control. Make sure not to leave the terminal unplugged."

"Heh, thanks." Upon reaching her imaginary heart terminal, she did as told and turned on the power to her own life energy. She saw a sparkle of light erupt into bolts of lightning; her ki. _I guess...I'm supposed to feel it. ... What the hell? I might get electrocuted or something._

"...hmm." Akuma hummed, annoyed and loud. He noted Buletta squirming once more, trying to decide on what to do. "Touch the fucking ki."

"Okay already!" Buletta touched it, and when she snapped out of her reverie, she discovered that she could pull some ki, albeit a tiny ball of light, out of herself. "WHOA, SUCCESS!!!" Buletta jumped up and tried tossing balls of ki at the horizon, but she couldn't manage more than a few bubbles. 

"Sit down, sit down, we're not finished yet." After doing as told, Akuma kneeled closer to her. "Show me...the hand motion you used when you gave me that handjob."

"WHAT?! I'm never doing that to you again, never in a million fucking years, yo-"

"Just show me the hand motion." Akuma interrupted.

"...fine." She did; she pushed her right hand, turned to its side, forward and back.

"That is good. Again, and again, and two more times." Upon her fourth try of the now familiar hand motion, Akuma instantly jabbed his fist in the place Buletta had pushed her hand; but, his fist, as he had expected, froze in place for a split second.

"Whoa! What the hell was that?"

"It is the Ansatsuken parry. When your opponent becomes predictable, just parry that shit. Now, you remember the motion with which you shampooed my hair? You pushed your hands in a peculiar fashion. Jump, and do that motion. Afterwards, again, and again." Buletta did as told by Akuma, until her last jump, when he shouted at her. "Your ki, NOW!" She instinctively shot out her ki in an explosive fireball, as she had learned to do so earlier. The extra adrenaline from the jumping, and the loud shout, helped to trigger her ki's output. 

"DAMN!!! I'M HOT!!!" Buletta squealed. However, she soon realized she didn't have time to effectively aim her shot.

"...but you fucking hit me. Don't do that again." 

"Uh, right...sensei!" _I guess he knows his shit after all!_

"...but, in any case, that was the Zankuu Hadouken. Know it well."

"Come on, show me some more!" Buletta laughed, but Akuma groaned.

"Yes, of course..." _So the road ahead lies shorter than before..._ he mused, with a chuckle for a defense mechanism.

THIS IS THE END OF THE FIRST STAGE OF B.B. HOOD'S EXPECTATIONS.

***

Street Fighter, Akuma, Sagat and related characters and names © 1987-2003 CAPCOM

DarkStalkers, B.B. Hood and related characters and names © 1994-2003 CAPCOM


	7. Your Mama's So Fat, the MvC2 Singer Coul...

The site of Akuma's makeshift Ansatsuken academy is a curious one. Through the eye of a painter, mind numbingly introspective compositions could be made with the rising mists and the complement of blue-green grass against green-blue moss. If a photographer took snapshots of the area, they would only have to be retouched in Photoshop slightly, with a few filters of the Gaussian Blur, to recreate the soothing, yet haunting, sense of loneliness any person feels once he sets foot here. It's fuzziness falsely indicates the feeling of warmth, here; but it's a very cold place to name home.

Akuma had liked it.

In darkened chambers of meditation, he consulted with himself his slowly depleting power. _It is unmistakable that I am dying; that much is obvious. My body's mobility is that of a tortoise, and a day of extended work makes even walking seem greater than moving a god, firmly planted in the earth. But what is more, is that I have stopped trying to better my skills. My impending fate has coaxed me into taking into tutelage that girl, and now, I myself have no time to practice the art I teach. It is as if I am transferring the Satsui no Hadou, from myself to her. It would be bitterly ironic, if I were bitter._

...

But death is the circle made round, and peace is to be found.

Akuma's chambers of meditation wasn't much: it was in a tree. After completely incinerating Gouken's former dojo, Buletta blew up the rest of the site with overenthusiastic Zankuu Hadoukens and her own copyrighted Molotovryuken©. After the swift punishment of having to kick her own ass with a Tatsumaki Senpuu Kyaku, she noted some drastic changes to her body.

"AKU! AKU!!!" Buletta appeared under Akuma's tree with a wide grin on her face. "LOOK AT IT!!!"

"What is it now?" Akuma asked coldly. With that, Buletta flashed Akuma her ass, and it was quite an ass. It was a perfected ass, an ass of unequaled roundness. The sun shone on that ass, and revealed a silk-like texture which had formed on it. She gave her ass a light nudge, and it resonated, not jiggled, with a sound complexity that is impossible to describe. The ass, when felt, had the complexion of butter. What's more, this ass did not smell like ass. In fact, this ass was, in contrast, a complement waiting to be used. If you were to compare, say, a movie to Buletta's new found ass, it would indicate that that movie was brilliant and without peer in its excellence. Buletta's ass was kick ass.

"GUESS WHAT?!"

"Yeah, what else?"

"I CAN SHIT FLOWERS!!!" It was true. She demonstrated by kneeling on the ground. Merely a minute later, a beautiful sunflower was firmly planted in the soil, and almost on cue, a bumblebee came by to pollinate. "DAMN, WHAT A GREAT ASS!!!"

"...Great. Do some more constructive training." Akuma responded, seemingly not the least bit interested. _What the hell? I never shat a flower before. The most I could manage was a demon._

"THE FLOWER DOESN'T EVEN SMELL LIKE AN ASS EITHER!!! I HAVE AN UBER-ASS!!!" She flew off into the opposite direction, and continued to massacre the environment with more Hadoukens. Akuma could only sigh.

__

The hallowed grounds that were left for me are ruined due to her enthusiasm. Now, we must head to my other home. Akuma whistled while Buletta geared up one more Zankuu Hadouken; pointed at Akuma's sole tree. She blew it up, launching Akuma to the ground in a ludicrously hilarious lunge downwards. He cried "OOH AAH, OOH AAH, OOH AHH..." as he fell.

"Oops!" Buletta rushed to her teacher's aid, but Akuma got up, grabbed her arm, and used the teleport move from _Dragon Ball Z_ to head for Akuma's private island, which was recently transformed into an amusement park. Akuma and Buletta found themselves teleported in a coliseum-esque stage where dolphins and seals took center stage. "...hey, where the damn are we?"

"...Oh hell no. These dolphins fucking suck. All they do is screech and when they jump up in the air, they barely reach the damn ball suspended above. Normally you'd pay $50 for a pass to the whole park, and then they kick you in the balls for it by offering _this_ bullshit. I wanna see the dolphin fight the whale, no, I wanna see the seals fight the manatee. THAT'S entertainment. We need some bleeding manatees in this bitch."

"...wow. Aku, you're really cynical when it comes to theme parks. ... Which one is this, and why the hell did we teleport?"

"This is Six Flags Gouki's. This used to be my personal island...until one day, it got jacked from me while I was asleep. And we're here because you fucked up my home away from home. That grand old dojo was sacred...and now, the spirits of Goutetsu and Gouken will never let me rest...you suck."

"Well, you're a penis breath too!" Buletta gave him a raspberry. 

"You stick that tongue out one more time, and I'll blow off your head with a fireball, and while you're gasping for your last breaths, I'll rip that tongue out of your mouth."

"...Yes sir."

The day was sunny. A photographer wouldn't use blurs to capture the vibrant colors of this tropical scene, however. Everything about this environment felt sharp. Yet, steaming hot. A complete and utter contrast to the peaceful serenity that was the site of Gouken's old dojo. There were many tourists and park patrons in attendance today, and this became more apparent when the seats filled up quickly at this particular dolphin show. Buletta and Akuma had never seen so many fat white people in their entire lives. They were crowded in, so they had to whisper to each other to talk.

"Hey, Akuma, why all the fat people?" Buletta asked while observing her surroundings. The dolphins were seen nonchalantly drifting in their tank, at peace with all. Their trainer, and the host of the show, was about to enter the center stage from below.

"It is the way of Six Flags all around the world. It boggles my mind."

"Damn! Fatasses abound! I wanna see THEM fight the whales!"

"Hell yeah."

Buletta's ears perked; she heard a familiar voice, somewhere. She looked to the left, the right, and finally to the center stage; an eerily familiar looking blue skinned girl with a happy, giggling piece of paper on her head, was addressing the crowd as the presentation's host. _Oh, fuck. Hsien-ko!..._ The Chinese ghost seemed to be doing well, and Buletta had never known she was a marine biologist. _Leesee...who had the bounty on her again? Oh yeah, the fucking Ghostbusters! I figure I could rush in now and blow her away, have Aku deliver me to NY, and I'll be able to collect that nice $50 grand...a little short, but still sweet for the little effort._ Akuma slapped.

"I know you. You're thinking about wandering from the path again!" ... However, Akuma's slap extended too far; intended for Buletta's wandering eyes, instead hit a fat person sitting next to her. This fat person was no ordinary fat person. She was an obese champion of the fight, a pure martial artist in her own unique obese art. She was...Your Mama. Your Mama stood up, offended by Akuma's slap, eclipsed the sun, and darkness engulfed the entire island.

"**OH HELL NAW, YOU DID NOT JUST SLAP ME WITH YOUR RAGGEDY ASS,**" boomed Your Mama. Your Mama was so fat, Akuma would have had to Raging Demon her three chins before she would get knocked out. That wasn't the course of action Akuma wanted to choose for this unexpected fight. 

"Your Mama! This is neither the time or the place for combat." Akuma stood tall and spoke strongly in Your Mama's face, while everyone in the stands cowered in fear. In order to make themselves less appetizing, the dolphins in the tank even threw up in vein attempts to lose weight. Buletta, however, smirked. 

"Damn, she's fat."

"**OH, YOU WANT TAH START SOMETHING WITH ME, YOU -LITTLE- BITCH?**" Your Mama bellowed. Buletta extended her hands, glowing a ki ball. 

"Yeah...you know, I haven't sniffed fresh blood in a long time!" Buletta was excited to use her Ansatsuken skillz on a live enemy this time.

"...you sniff blood? You can get high off that shit?" asked Akuma.

"...OF COURSE YOU CAN'T! It's a ... psychotic thing, that's all!" 

"Are you sure? I mean, if you can get high off blood, I don't see why I can't."

"DAMMIT, WHY DO I HAVE TO GIVE LESSONS TO THE TEACHER HERE?! Sniffing blood isn't about getting a high, it's about fulfilling those morbid desires inside of you to kill, kill, and kill again!"

"Hey, watch out. She's about to stomp on you."

"Huh?! Where'd she go?!" Your Mama disappeared, leaving Buletta looking left and right for her. The crowd hightailed it out of the show once they noticed that Your Mama had leaped into the sky, and was going to land.

"**GAMMA CRUSH!**" hollered Your Mama.

***

Street Fighter, Akuma, Sagat and related characters and names © 1987-2003 CAPCOM

DarkStalkers, B.B. Hood and related characters and names © 1994-2003 CAPCOM


	8. Your Mama's So Stupid, She Thought Fruit...

__

Originally posted by Ruby of the Seas  
**We be the Ghostbusters of Chinatown! A blue lass of a ghost she was, and she was accompanied by that other one who looks like a ticket and goes by the name of Mei-Ling! Fifty thousand in vast seaworthy treasures to the landlubber who finds 'er, alive! Argh! Here's she picture!  
  
attached: hko2.gif**  
  
_Originally posted by RIDING RED_  
**I SAW HER BE4. IF I SEE HER AGN WHERE SHOULD I SEND HER HEAD**  
  
_Originally posted by Devi69_  
**You can't read, huh? It says not to kill her in plain English above!**  
  
_Originally posted by Ruby of the Seas_  
**Aye, she is needed for our operations! If ye didn't know, we operate with the New York City Chinatown Pirates!**  
  
_Originally posted by RIDING RED_  
**DIDNT THY DUMP TEH GBA ROMS/**  
  
_Originally posted by Devi69_  
**Well, we don't brag for ourselves you know.**  
  
_Originally posted by Ruby of the Seas_  
**Aye, we're pioneering Gamecube emulation as well, har har har!**  
  
_Originally posted by RIDING RED_  
**THEN ILL CATCH UP WIT U LATR BTW: "GHOSTBUSTERS" WHY RIP OFF THE MOVIE LIKE THAT? YOUR SO GHEY.**  
  
_Originally posted by Ruby of the Seas_  
**ARGH, ye disrespect us like that?! You should know that the honorable pirates around the world are well aware of copyright laws, and that we respect them as so the intricate rules state, ye landlubber!**  
  
_Originally posted by RIDING RED_  
**BULLSHIT! YOU JUST COULDN'T COME UP WITH A BETTER NAME!**  
  
_Originally posted by Devi69_  
**Listen kid, maybe you couldn't understand a word we said because you're too busy playing with your Caps Lock key. You're too retarded for this bounty head. Next!**  
  
_Originally posted by Jesus Christ_  
**^^^RED got pwned. **  
  
_Originally posted by RIDING RED_  
**WTF THIS ISNT ENGLISH CLASS FUK U 8|7C|-| **  
  
_Originally posted by Devi69_  
**c|_|/\/7br3a7h!!!**  
  
_Originally posted by Ruby of the Seas_  
**Aye, the breath of this lass known as RED stinks of cunt.**  
  
_Originally posted by RIDING RED_  
**STFU. **  
  
_Originally posted by The Damned_  
**You bitches are banned. Be gone.**

  
  
Some years ago, a pair of living Chinese ghosts, two sisters when they weren't deceased, made little money by haunting any particular residence. After their removal by a pair of entrepreneur pirate "ghostbusters" who found much profitability in the gimmick from the classic film, the twins Hsien-ko and Mei-Ling would be released to haunt another home until their employers were called upon to exorcise them. The ghostbusters in question, going by the names Ruby Heart and Devilot, used a simple device resembling a treasure chest to capture, and release, spirits. Tired of their low wages and demeaning stature in life, the ghosts, known as Hsien-ko and Mei-Ling, one with the appearance of a blue girl, the other of a yellow tag, left without prior notice. The ghostbuster pirates were outraged upon this discovery, and hastily put their faces on bounty hunter bulletin boards on the Internet. One month ago, a conversation on the forum in question was had.  
  
RIDING RED, better known to the reader as Baby Bonnie "Buletta" Hood, kept the Hsien-ko bounty on the back of her mind, but didn't put her as a high priority target. The notion, however, of making this "Devi69" look like an ass all over an Internet forum would be well worth that hunt, however. But, no; Buletta was after a warrior of a high caliber, and with a bounty of priceless value, offered by a man of limitless power; Akuma, being the warrior of high caliber. This left Hsien-ko and Mei-Ling some time to hide themselves in a traveling road show, which gave them the credentials to find an honest, fine paying occupation in the field of flashy marine biology. While dolphins were beautiful creatures to behold, the process of preparing fish for these animals at aquariums, amusement parks, and laboratories. Soon after, they found a window of opportunity for their talents at Six Flags Gouki's, a new theme park built on an abandoned island.  
  
This is where their history ends, and our episode begins.  
  
_Who was that girl whom my pupil placed her eyes on? No doubt an enemy from her past, or a bounty head like I was._ Akuma reflected while cautiously sliding away from the battle between Buletta and Your Mama.  
  
"Where the hell are you going?!" Buletta snaped back toward Akuma, who was sitting in the vacant stands across of the tank in the center of the abandoned dolphin show. "You know something about her, otherwise you wouldn't know her name!"  
  
"Who doesn't know about Your Mama? She is well known. Everyone knows Your Mama." Akuma replied.  
  
"Well known? I didn't recognize her!" Buletta said, throwing a fit.  
  
"It is because her face is covered, obscuring her identity... I have heard the stories, reporting that Your Mama was so ugly, Dr. Doom gave her his mask." Akuma solemnly stated.  
  
"Whatever, she's got a giant burning rock and she's gonna crash down on me any second. At least throw me a PROJECTILE ASSIST or something!" Your Mama's large shadow was growing larger, and Buletta's time was wearing thin.  
  
"...just one." Akuma shot a Hadouken at Your Mama, stunning her for a minute due to the massive wave of her fat jiggling across her body, leaving her in a vulnerable sprite animation for roughly fifteen seconds.  
  
"Thank'ee. Now, I'll just cancel that into..." Buletta leaped into the air and eclipsed the sun with an impromptu super attack. Calling forth her old cohorts Smith and Wesson from an inter-dimensional void, they simultaneously bombarded Your Mama with a diagonal barrage of massive missile, rocket, and bullet shaped ki projectiles. "ZANKOOL HUNTING!!!"   
  
"ARRRR!!!" Your Mama fell, defeated, leaving her giant rock left over from her botched Gamma Crush in the ground. Buletta had a sudden realization, and took out a Palm Pilot.  
  
"...So her name's Your Mama. She has a bounty, but a cheap one. $5.39. Dammit!" Buletta started to cry and, in frustration, began pounding Your Mama's belly. "Boo!!! I might as well redeem her for an Extra Value Meal! Aku, what should I...do?" Akuma was nowhere to be seen, for he had left right after shooting his solitary Hadouken. Instead of watching the quick fight, he descended underneath the stands and stood in a dark corridor, surrounded by glass walls where he could gaze at marine animals. It was here that he found Hsien-ko and her sister attached to her hat, the dolphin trainers from before.  
  
"You. How do you know the blonde girl?" Asked Akuma. Her back was turned, and she could barely hear him over her own unknown work in the dark. Akuma heard the sizzle of a skillet, and sensed the smell of chicken fried rice. _Dolphins do not eat a food of this scent. No doubt this diligent ghost is honing her skills as a kitchen warrior._  
  
"Could you say that again? I couldn't hear you over the RICE." Hsien-ko squeezed a bit of soy sauce into her skillet and began to stir, with a quick clockwise motion of her hand, her concoction. Akuma gasped at the mention of the word rice.  
  
"RICE? The true diet of a warrior."   
  
"Yup. Rice. Chicken fried, soy sauce, and onions!" She turned around, and revealed that she had changed into a chef's outfit, complete with the hat.  
  
_She has the ability to cook rice; her will is strong. If only my time left wasn't such a matter of fate's charity, I would challenge her and seek to improve my own skills in rice. But it would be a waste; after I am gone, the strongest must remain to honor -the fight.-_ Akuma gazed into his own fist, looking for more answers.   
  
"Mr., are you from the zombie attraction? Your make-up looks like the genuine thing." Hsien-ko asked.  
  
"Shut the fuck up." In between the words 'fuck' and 'up,' Akuma felt the power of Your Mama rise to double her previous strength. _Either Buletta doesn't know yet, or it's too late. This second form of Your Mama has reawakened! I must teach THIS girl the technique now._ "Chef. I am a man who is desperate."  
  
"You are? I can relate. I'm sorry. But why are you telling me this now?"   
  
"Please copy the motions of my hands. It is completely dark in this corridor; thus, you must see my movements with your will. Hand me a chicken breast."  
  
"Um, sure?" Confused, Hsien-ko handed Akuma a chicken breast.  
  
"As a practitioner of the culinary arts, you will greatly appreciate this. It is the Raging Demon, and can, if applied correctly, cook a slab of beef within a minute; a small breast like this will be prepared in merely seconds. But remember...you must never teach this technique to anyone; but you may always show it to them." With that, Akuma grabbed the meat and performed the move, completely obscured in darkness. "Do you now know this technique?"   
  
"...I can see what you did. I don't know why you thought I would have any trouble seeing it. I saw it, light as day! I'm going to try it on some Lo Mein now! But you taught me just by showing it. If I do it, and someone watches, won't I have taught it?"  
  
"Not if they do not learn. But there is no time for that. Hurry! On the surface of daylight, a villain awaits."

***

Street Fighter, Akuma, Sagat and related characters and names © 1987-2003 CAPCOM

DarkStalkers, B.B. Hood and related characters and names © 1994-2003 CAPCOM


	9. Your Mama's So Nasty, She Knows What Fla...

Outside, Buletta leaned against the dolphin tank and sipped some of her molotov cocktail.   
  
"Ooh, explosive ass shit." She swigged harder and wiped the alcohol off her mouth. Suddenly, Your Mama rose up from her bout with unconsciousness.   
  
"YOU..." Your Mama took off her shirt and became stronger, morphing into a giant red lava monster. Only a little tipsy, Buletta tranquilly tottered to Your Mama.  
  
"You, shut up." Buletta slapped her.  
  
"RRRAAAARRRR!!! THE DREAM IS DEAD!" Your Mama spewed forth precision bombs of magma which Buletta had to crawl under to avoid.   
  
"DAMN! Er, my bad?" Buletta ran from the confines of the ruins of the dolphin show, and Your Mama followed her into the rest of the theme park.  
  
"We're too late. She has transformed into Mach II," Akuma nodded.   
  
"Um, what do you want me to do again?" Hsien-ko popped her head under Akuma's shoulder.  
  
"Use the Raging Demon technique on the monster inflicting this park. Aim for her chins!"  
  
"Is she responsible for wrecking the dolphin show?! We worked so hard on that too!" Hsien-ko fell to her knees. "I can't stand by idly and watch her ruin Six Flags! What does she have next on her agenda...*gasp*...the Bugs Bunny Meet & Greet?!"   
  
"Then hurry!" Akuma grabbed Hsien-ko and rushed outside after Your Mama, while she desperately tried to maintain a grip on her chicken fried rice. Meanwhile, Your Mama had laid waste to everything surrounding her, and was searching for Buletta to exact revenge. The crowds of people who had evacuated the dolphin show had now unwisely dissipated into the nearby rides and attractions. In a violent fervor, Your Mama mauled down the masses of innocents who stood in her path. Ignoring their cries for mercy, Your Mama climbed atop a Batman roller coaster and violently beat her chest in fury. Buletta had hoped to hide in a bathroom till Your Mama had subsided. Your Mama caught whiff of her scent from far-off, and climbed down the roller coaster to use her massive hands to rip the bathroom's ceiling apart, and grabbed Buletta. The surviving throngs of bystanders fled the Six Flags, yet some froze, paralyzed with fear.   
  
"HA HA HA. YOU WHO ARE FROZEN IN YOUR COWARDICE, WILL BE MY NEXT MEAL."  
  
"WHO THE HELL ASKED YOU TO TALK?! AND GET OFF ME, YOU DAMN DIRTY WHORE!!!" While in Your Mama's fist, Buletta took an explosive apple and shoved it down the beast's throat. There was no effect.   
  
"I WONDER...IF YOU TASTE LIKE A CHALUPA." Your Mama grinned.  
  
"NO, YOU FAT, UGLY, BEAST OF A MAMA!!!" Buletta pulled out a pair of knives and hacked away at Your Mama's tightly gripped hand of magma, but barely began to scratch its surface. _Shit!_  
  
"WHAT WAS THAT, YOU SAY?" The gargantuan beast began to lower Buletta into her opened mouth.  
  
"YOU HEARD ME! AND YOU'RE SO STUPID, YOU THINK ROLL CANCEL MEANS A BAKERY WENT OUT OF BUSINESS!" Buletta wasn't going to go out without an applause from the frightened masses around here. There was none, however. _Shit again!_ Buletta went further as to even be drenched in hot saliva. _Shit again!_  
  
"You! Stop this!" A shrill voice cried out. Your Mama took Buletta away from her mouth to speak for a moment.  
  
"WHO INTERRUPTS YOUR MAMA?!"  
  
"I do!" The attention of everyone remaining was poised on the yellow tab bouncing on Hsien-ko's shoulder; she was Mei-Ling. "We will never allow our freedom to be taken away! Die, bitch!"  
  
"What she said!" cried her sister, who found herself stirring dash of Goya's Adobo onto her rice. Akuma was also present, defiantly shaking his fist at Your Mama.  
  
"Your blatant disrespect of my hollowed grounds will not go unpunished!" Akuma growled.  
  
"Aku, you came." Buletta uttered with utmost frailty.  
  
"You, shut up. You got owned by this fat bitch, so you don't even deserve talking to." Akuma responded, with utmost harshness.  
  
"You bloody asshole, I almost got myself eaten!!!" Buletta's resilience, albeit exhausted, was sparked, as evident by her pissed off reaction.  
  
"Your Mama's so stupid, she thought that top tier was an eye drop! How could you be so easily beaten by her?!" Akuma shouted back.  
  
"WHAT?! YOU STILL MOCK ME?!" Your Mama rumbled, feeling ignored.  
  
"Ahem. I think I'm satisfied with this rice already. Miss Mama, would you like to try?" Hsien-ko innocently interrupted, raising her skillet up to the monster so she could smell. People who were frozen by the fear of Your Mama suddenly gained enough bravery through the intricate preparation of the rice, as so indicated by its superior smell, to finally get up to run away with their lives.  
  
"I DO APPRECIATE THIS APPETIZER BEFORE MY MEAL. AS A TOKEN OF MY CONSIDERATION, I WILL EAT YOU LAST."  
  
"Much obliged ma'mn." Hsien-ko lifted the skillet even higher, and as Your Mama kneeled down to grab it, Hsien-ko shoved the rice into her mouth and leaped, latching on to Your Mama's chins.  
  
"WHAT THE-?!"  
  
"Recently Learned Special Chef's Technique! RAGING DEEE-MON!!!" cried Hsien-ko as all light remaining in the area was swept up by a cloak of darkness. Buletta, blinded, was able to feel Your Mama's grip on her relinquish itself. Buletta fell to the ground, and when Hsien-ko's new skill was finished, Your Mama had fallen, defeated.  
  
"In the end, Your Mama's evil was her own undoing. The Raging Demon technique is effective because its power is proportional to the vileness of the opponent's soul." Akuma intoned.  
  
"Huh? Then how'd you use it against that chicken breast?" Hsien-ko pondered.  
  
"Uh, it makes your hands pretty warm too."  
  
"..." Hsien-ko stood still, blinking. "I don't get it."  
  
"I don't make these moves, I only use them." Akuma answered. The veil of thick darkness had dissipated, and now Buletta had seen this battle's aftermath for herself.  
  
"Wow. Hey, did you do that?" Buletta asked the ghost.  
  
"Um, yeah. It's a technique in progress. I learned it from that guy." Hsien-ko pointed to Akuma.  
  
"...YOU!" Buletta pulled Akuma and ran behind the ruins of her bathroom for a quick private discussion. "WHY THE HELL DID YOU TEACH HER A NEW MOVE THAT YOU DIDN'T TEACH ME?! I DON'T SEE HER BUSTING HER ASS AT YOUR DOJO!"  
  
"You destroyed my dojo."  
  
"Oh." Buletta paused. "BUT YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO HOLD BACK ON ME! WHAT, I'M NOT PREPARED FOR THAT ATTACK OR SOMETHING?! YOU THINK I CAN SURVIVE IN THIS DANGEROUS WORLD WITH JUST A COUPLE PANSY HADOUKENS?!"  
  
"...yes."  
  
"STILL!" Buletta waved her hands in the air, like a chicken. Hsien-ko could hear every word, though she didn't try.   
  
"She's really loud, huh sis?" asked Mei-Ling.  
  
"It's not polite to listen in on other people's private conversations Mei-Ling. Even if they're not very private, and they're yelling matches instead of conversations."  
  
"You cannot learn everything you must learn from only one individual. You must venture into the world, and find opponents to defeat for that knowledge. To grow stronger, and to topple over your opponents, is the sign of a true victory. I refuse to teach to you the Raging Demon."  
  
"You're not any fun Aku."   
  
"Come now. If you truly want to learn the Raging Demon, face the chef in combat, which you no doubt plan to eventually do. But you will not, because you are still concerned with your other bounty, no?"   
  
"...fine. But shit, I got beat up by Your Mama! That sucks."  
  
"You are truly resilient young warrior. Come now; I must not forget to train you in one more way that I know of." Akuma put his finger to his forehead, a familiar sign of his teleportation technique, and grabbed Buletta's shoulder.   
  
"We're going somewhere again? I'm tired, so can you teleport us inside a luxury suite or something?"  
  
"No." Akuma started to glow, a sign that the technique was near completion.  
  
"What are we gonna do then?"  
  
"I will teach you the power of pwning."   


***

Street Fighter, Akuma, Sagat and related characters and names © 1987-2003 CAPCOM

DarkStalkers, B.B. Hood and related characters and names © 1994-2003 CAPCOM


	10. Pwned!

In front of teacher and pupil were massive cavern walls which blinked as the moonlight stuttered, obscured infrequently by the waves of the ocean. 

"Where are Aku?"

Akuma turned to the depths of his former den, and with the swoop of his arm, ignited the flames which lit the halls.

"This ... was once my training grounds; my home. Come. I must teach you the discipline of pwnzage." 

She followed him in, letting her thoughts wander as she did. _The hell you doing? This place looks like shit! Dark, grimy, muddy, wet...come on, plant a patch of sunflowers or something._

"Do not slight my abode once more, girl." Akuma responded directly to her thoughts.

"WHA-WHA...WHA?!" She was startled, and she jumped, bopping her head on the spiky ceiling, and landing on her back.

"Fool. Do not be so easily pwned by life." Akuma marched onward, while Buletta caught up muttering curses.

More darkness. However, the veil of blackness now covered a large chamber. Akuma blindly leaped into obscurity and pounded his fist into the ground, erupting the flames which poured out of the underworld, providing light. The shadows fled, revealing an unscathed collection of Buddhist statues whose faces were as blank as they were ominous. The chamber itself had a platform to the side, and beyond this room were the unfathomable depths of the cave, which had yet to be challenged.

"Why're you always so flashy? You could've done the smart thing and brought..." Buletta pulled a tool from her dress. "...a flashlight. It's a fucking technological _wonder_, I swear to God." 

"You must have the patience and the understanding to realize how important one's individual style is. For the strong to refuse to display their clout triumphantly, they request a world of equality. With equality, comes the murder of -our way.- The warrior cannot excel if there is equality among the people. Therefore...you must get boss, and ride your own cock." 

"...excuse me?" Buletta slanted her eyebrows.

"Or puss if you're a broad," Akuma retracted.

"Humph. Bukake mouth." Buletta stretched her arms and yawned. "Geez, what time is it now? Like, late? You got pillows Aku? ... Aku?" 

Akuma had grabbed Buletta by her neck. He dropped her only to knee her in the belly, and as she briefly floated upwards from the blow, her back was met with a swift elbow, which made her an acquaintance with the floor and her shape a permanent decoration on it.

"You are pwned." Akuma coldly walked away.

"Aku...the hell are you doing?!" Buletta pushed herself up, leaning on her knee, but was met by a sudden Gadouken, the force of which jettisoned her to crack the wall behind her. She fell limp.

"Imbecile. Dare to contest me only when you dare to kill me."

__

Damn, Aku...you're a fag...

***

Buletta woke up, her head suffocated in her hood, having slept in the fetal position. Seems that dawn has finally arisen once more, and she could smell ... beef brisket. Smoke ascended from the corner of this large room, behind a lot of stockpiled statues. She straggled her way, to the smell, and discovered Akuma, sitting comfortably on a bed of dust, partaking of brisket over an open flame. Buletta remembered how he had dismantled her; saying nothing, she quickly gathered enough ki in the shape of a gattling gun and shoved the end of it onto his head. 

"...womp, womp, womp." Akuma had known who was behind him, and was not impressed. He flipped over his meal and geared up his own ball of ki; now pupil and teacher stood...in a Mexican standoff.

"...I'm about to pull the trigger and do what I should've done a long time ago..."

"Idn't 'dat cute? She done made herself a trigger to match her fireball gun." Akuma began to laugh, a roar of a laugh which rattled the entire cavern. Buletta released her gattling gun, shooting a string of ki bullets into Akuma...which were quickly absorbed by the energy that gathered in his hands. He smiled.

"...um, fuck." Buletta braced for the massive impact of the fireball, but, after several seconds, none came to pass. Instead, Akuma pumped the energy into his pants, producing a massive boner on his behalf. 

"Woman...your ass, your tits, your mouth, your whole existence...makes me wanna live just for you." Akuma pointed at her with his thumb. "Money problems? Fuck that Baby Bonnie. I'm loaded in my pockets in two ways." 

__

...what in the hell?! Buletta bounced back, and constantly side-stepped around him, not quite sure what to expect.

"Baby girl, you're just gonna tire yourself out like that. Now, why don't you rest your tired body right here?" He sat right back down, patting on his schlong. "I'll take care of everything...because you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen."

__

...he's...he's...Bah. Buletta turned her head. _Fuck this. That's one big wang._

She sat down, on his lap.

"...pwn3d." Akuma chuckled. "Now give me some love." Just as Buletta was about to sit on the promised lap, Akuma got up. "You're stale." She froze in place.

"I'm...stale?" Buletta pointed to herself. "Stale?"

"Yes, stale. You're predictable. Your personality is limited to that of a screenplay." Akuma wandered further into the cavern, half-expecting to be followed by Buletta; she did. "You are explosive, self-righteous, and cold-hearted, and yet, easily manipulated. You truly are still a child." One burst of ki from Akuma's palm was enough to engulf the darkened chasm with more light. "Know to take advantage of your foe; physical and mental. Without this knowledge, you will never be able to defeat anyone." She trailed behind him.

"...is that a bat?" She wondered out loud.

"...a bat?" Akuma looked up, and a bat shat on his nose.

"Ha, pwned by shit!" She squealed with a smile. 

"There is a way to defeat my skills of pwnzage, Buletta. Know my past and you will be able to fight fire with fire." Akuma stopped walking, and faced her. "Do you remember...the Internet?"

"Er...yeah."

"...you will flame with the very best of the flamers. You will learn how to shit talk, how to look stylish, and master the proverbial backhand fist, for it is the proverb the preludes the verb." Akuma ignited into a crimson glow. Buletta was just confused.

"Um...sure." Buletta blinked twice before Akuma handed her a laptop computer with a wireless broadband card, allowing her a superb link to the Internet.

"Open up Internet Explorer. I've put the links you need to visit under Favorites." Akuma walked further on. "You should stay here and defeat the opponents who will lash out at you." Buletta stared down into the notebook, and did as told. Akuma had descended deeper into his dark abode, and, as all old, dying men do, reminisced about his past.

***

"GOUKEN! GOUKI! It is absolutely imperative that you fully comprehend this attack!" The old man Goutetsu put his hand to his hash-woven bandana, and puffed into his hashish pipe. "The weak point in his argument is utterly obvious! Gouken, Gouki, can you not find it?" The two boys looked at Goutetsu's chalkboard, looking at the flame which he had written.

****

---

Are you a dumbass? You totally missed the entire POINT of my post and didn't have a thing to say to any of my FACTS!

---

"To pwn in message board conflicts, you must at least be able to defeat this flame." Goutetsu waited for nearly a half hour before Gouken raised his hand. "Gouken?"

"How about...apologizing to the flamer?" Gouken received a swift kick to his jaw in response. 

"What a pussy." Goutetsu placed a dunce cap on Gouken's head, and looked at young Akuma, who had finally come up with his own answer. "Gouki, do you have a way to counter that flame?"

"...yes master. I would tell him to suck my dick, and call him a fag. Then I will post a link to a picture of a man getting teabagged in the mouth, with the words 'FAG' typed onto it in Photoshop." Goutetsu's eyes watered with pride, as his black sheep pupil had figured out the correct response.

"My pupil...you have done well. You have PWN3D that bitch."

***

Akuma lowered his head. _Those were better days._

***

Street Fighter, Akuma, Sagat and related characters and names © 1987-2003 CAPCOM

DarkStalkers, B.B. Hood and related characters and names © 1994-2003 CAPCOM


	11. Pwn3d!

__

---

Originally posted by Sea King

****

SNK vs Capcom Chaos looks stiff.

__

Originally posted by Shear Ph34r

****

Bitch, sniff my nuts. No one gives a shit.

__

Originally posted by Ampersand

****

This game looks ghey.

__

Originally posted by RIDING RED

****

WTF ARE U ALL BITCHING ABOUT?

__

Originally posted by Sea King

****

Oh shit! It's Ms. CAPS MODE!

__

Originally posted by Ampersand

****

lol

__

Originally posted by RIDING RED

****

IF YOUR GONNA FLAME ME FOR MY CAPS

IM GONNA FLAME YOU FOR YOUR MOM'S

POISON DICK. 

__

Originally posted by Carlos R

****

^^^...uh...WTF?

---

"This is retarded." Buletta shoved her notebook aside and laid on the ground. _The Internet has tons of bitches and whiners. I wish the Internet were real, then I could send a giant fist flying out of these assholes' monitors._

***

The lights in the studio had faded, and the day had been successful. No more than a few hours after learning the Raging Demon, Hsien-ko had just become an international superstar in the culinary circles. The Chinese ghost had just defeated the Iron Chefs and the Seven Gods of Food Network. Now in New York City, her guest appearance on _The View _had turned her into an overnight sensation. She was at the top of the world, and owed it all to what the ghastly karate man had taught her.

"Mei-Ling, we've come so far!" Hsien-ko was dragging the carcass of a steer out into the freezer, while Mei-Ling sat patiently on Hsien-ko's shoulder. "This move is...instant! It literally burns the meat up with the heat of...hell! Raging Demon really...murders!"

"Sis, that's a nice name for it."

"Nice name for what?"

"Our new brand of spices! 'INSTANT HELL MURDER!'"

"Oh really? That sounds like a great name." Hsien-ko chucked the body into the freezer and locked it, and went back into her kitchen all by her lonesome, preparing more devastating dishes after the other.

"Hey, sis; is it a good thing we came back to New York of all places? Those pirate girls are gonna start chasing us down if word leaks out." Mei-Ling's little yellow "body" shivered at the thought.

"Let them come! I've got ANSATSUKEN POWER!"

***

__

It will never be complete until she defeats her for the Raging Demon. Akuma scratched his head, and looking for some entertainment, grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket. It had wireless broadband access, a camera, MP3 ringtones, and could emulate CPS-3 and NAOMI games which he also played online. The cell phone has a thirty gig hard drive, and can even cook steak. He turned it upside down and looked at the words he had written on it: "This shit is pimptight."

__

Aku is weird as hell. Buletta was still stuck on the laptop trying to figure out just what she was supposed to do. Wait a second...what's this? As she was scrolling down a message board, she found a thread entitled "No one likes me. What should I do?" _What an angsty little bitch._ She clicked it, and brought up the first post.

__

---

Originally posted by Leoanders

****

My life sucks and I get constantly picked on by people at school. I don't get it. All I do is watch anime and read manga, and I don't give anyone any trouble... :( Someone, please help.

---

Buletta began to write a reply in CAPS MODE, but after it was chastised in the last thread, she decided to abstain from it, and instead take another approach.

__

---

Originally posted by RIDING RED

****

bitch, stfu fag. i hope you get hazed in the stomach with combat boots while pregnant with heero's child. dumbass anime fan.

---

She felt proud of herself. Buletta lurked on the thread for a few minutes before another reply was posted. She read it, and much to her surprise, she wasn't being flamed.

---

__

Originally posted by Grandizer

****

lol pwned

---

Was it true? Did Buletta really pwn? She kept refreshing the thread, hoping that she'd get more responses.

---

__

Originally posted by Sepher Seph

****

What a dumb bitch. pwned

---

Yes. Yes it was. She had pwned somebody. She gave herself a sigh of relief, and clicked refresh one more time; there was another reply.

__

---

Originally posted by Stasui No Fuckyou

****

Good. Now come to me Buletta; before you can truly pwn, there must be one more trial.

---

She jumped off the ground and dashed to where Akuma was meditating (or rather, downloading Eminem MP3s onto his cell phone). He stood up, and placed his hand on her head.

"Now, we go to the mall." The giddy little girl in Buletta was ecstatic.

"The...the mall? Ch'yeah bitch!"

"I am glad you're excited, as you will be the one paying." Akuma felt his hand being pried off, and Buletta was visibly upset.

"The hell?! You're not gonna force me to buy anything!"

"Yes I am. I'm out of money. This cell phone is expensive as fuck." Akuma put placed his hand on her head one more time, and quickly teleported to a faraway shopping district in New York City. _Hah. She still doesn't realize that whoever has the money, is the pimp..._

***

Buletta had life savings. In fact, she was so dedicated to her life savings, that she could essentially retire now until the she reaches the age of 147. But she was also very violent when it came to her money. Akuma dragged her into a store which sold men's suits, and his eyes nearly watered at the site of a sharp, black coat. 

"Hey, Bul', hook me up with that shit." Akuma stood silently, like a golem, in front of the clothes, salivating. To his surprise, the saliva flew across the room when Buletta slapped him upside the head.

"Bitch, that suit is brand new. Not only will we not be shopping here, but Goodwill, but we'll also get something _on sale._" Akuma let out a small "ooh ahh, ooh ahh, ooh ahh," and, quietly, his heart swelled with pride. "Now, let's shop for my shit." She dragged Akuma, by the ear across the mall and turned her head, browsing the stores available on this floor. Nothing of interest. But they did pass by one store, and Akuma picked himself up.

"You should shop here." Akuma pointed up at the store's title. 

"_Victoria's Secret?_"

"You can wear those panties to dinner. That'd be pimp." Akuma was met with a roundhouse to the balls.

"Faggot, fuck you," she coldly hissed. Buletta dragged him again, until she found an appropriate place to shop.

***

The aerial weapon Albatross, salvaged from the Neo-Nazi Badds in the late 1980s, was the latest trophy of a man who was no stranger to the addiction that was collection. While he admired his recent acquisition, the Albatross was not the current concern of Rugal Bernstein. The Albatross was stored in a hangar far away, while Rugal would be able to conduct his own personal business at his retreat in Greenwich, Connecticut.

A supposed robot-turned-street fighter-turned-bounty hunter, Sentinel had found Rugal after he posted a request on a message board. And now, they face each other eye to eye, speaking.

"I am growing impatient." Rugal put his feet on his desk, angrily accosting his guest. "I sent a bounty hunter a month ago to drag his body to this room, but still no feedback. She was supposed to be the best of the best, but now I know better than to trust a woman who has a coupon in the yellow pages."

"I can kill her as well for free as a courtesy to you." Sentinel raised his head slightly. He was grasping the frying pan he had safely hidden away in his arm.

"That's awful generous of someone of your occupation." Rugal poured an agitated glass of scotch. "You drink?"

"No, thank you... I would like to be on the favorable side of a man whose destiny is to become God, Mr. Rugal." Rugal took a swift swig of his drink and took a heavy breath.

"...you flatter me. Now, go." 

"There's one more thing, I need to add, Mr. Rugal..." 

***

Buletta, for the first time in...months, flashed her money like bling. She just left her stretch limo, had just picked up a blood-red dress which glimmered in the pale moonlight, and Akuma was decked out in an unfortunate green-black checkered suit, but his fiery persona and appearance still made him look out to be a dynamic porn star, at the very least.

"Why'd I have you pick this restaurant? It looks _shabby._" Buletta sighed, but Akuma stood still.

"Because, this is a good place to dine."

"The name doesn't even sound good." 

"_Chinese Ghosts_ is a fine name." 

***

Suddenly, the front door of the restaurant opened, letting in a breeze. It was no longer the time for fond chit-chat; now the offensive would begin.

Akuma gave Buletta a cold stare. Before them both were their ordered meals; a plate of pasta, chicken alfredo. They were at the top of their game. They were outfitted in some of the best clothes money could buy. ... At least she was. Looking slick, Akuma began the first offensive.

"Bitch...who do you think you are? Stepping up to me: your master...who bears the name Akuma, the most feared of all of the world's fighters?"

Buletta chewed on her alfredo, and even slurped the pasta into her mouth. She grinned.

"And you eat like a child. If I were your man...you would be an embarrassment of a pussy."

Buletta calmly sipped her glass of wine.

"Are you done Aku? First of all...I know who I am. I'm your successor; you need a successor because the old Akuma is weak now. He isn't what he used to be." Buletta got off of her seat, and in the softest voice she could muster (painfully, at that), she looked at Akuma. She appeared now as a woman whom a man would dedicate his life to. But Buletta was not looking for romance; she was looking for the power the future held. "The world needs a new Akuma. A new Satsui no Hadou. You got punked by Sagat's crouching fierce punch, and now you're nothing but a corpse of the old you. What you taught me may as well be bunk. You may call me an embarrassment of a vagina for slurping alfredo, but...I call you an embarrassment of a fighter, to be cast an excruciating death by a measly poke." Buletta whispered into his ear. "The new Akuma, because the world doesn't need the old one." She quietly went back to her seat. Then, she returned to the naive, easily excitable child she was before. "So...did I pwn you or what?"

"...your attacks were crafted well. But you did not pwn hard enough; you did not call me a bitch. Because, you know deep down in the bottom of your vile heart...that if you had said the word bitch, my cock would have suffocated you faster than you could say the period at the end of a sentence. No. You did not pwn. But you're free to try another day."

"Dammit. I thought I was cool this time too." The master and his pupil ate of their alfredo. The night would not cast upon Akuma today, for his student did not extinguish the burning sun.

***

Street Fighter, Akuma, Sagat and related characters and names © 1987-2003 CAPCOM

DarkStalkers, B.B. Hood and related characters and names © 1994-2003 CAPCOM


	12. Pwnzed!

"What is it, Sentinel?" Rugal let himself out of his office and took Sent along for a stroll in his behemoth-large hallway, ornate with delicate craftsmanship like a clamshell, ordained with priceless works of art including nude Guile statues in various poses (The Thinking Guile, with ass firmly placed on a toilet seat; the Angry Guile, with arms placed firmly on his hips; and the Paratrooper Guile, who seemed to be saluting something in the sky). 

"Are you familiar...with the Top Tier?" Both men came to an abrupt stop. The clocks in the hallway sounded like flashes between still reality, with the fighters as tense as they were.

"...who isn't familiar with the Top Tier?" Rugal broke the silence, with an angry shake of his fist. "If I knew who _else_ was on it..."

"In other words, you knew Akuma was a member of Top Tier." Sentinel and Rugal began walking across the hallway again, towards the door which lead to the golf course outside. Rugal sure loved his golf, especially when the holes are marked by nude Street Fighter statues.

"It's a slightly obscure fact that he started Top Tier after Super Turbo was released. He left immediately soon after. I think the chap had a different agenda in those days." 

Rugal spotted a set of golf clubs after appearing outside. It was a dark night, and the stars made such a grandiose appearance in the sky that it almost looked as pixely as a Neo Geo sprite. "And whoever doesn't play golf at night is a fucking scrub." He pulled out his nine-iron and set a golf ball on a tee. He sent the bitch flying. 

"Oh, and why do you ask?" Rugal addressed Sentinel, who stood like an unresponsive golem.

***

A cabernet and a breadstick special later, and Buletta was drooling on the tablecloth like a Sesame Street-captivated toddler. Akuma was feeling disheartened, that the special event he had assumed would play out tonight wasn't going to happen. In that case, he was just going to improvise something. 

"Buletta. Sit the fuck up."

Buletta returned Akuma's demand by raising her head a bit. Both of her eyes looked lazy, facing different directions. She raised her middle finger, shoved it up her mouth, and went back to a drunken reverie. 

__

As master of the Ansatsuken art, I have failed its noble legacy. I had hoped that Hsien-ko would show up, and Baby Bonnie would challenge her for the right to learn the Instant Hell Raging Murder Demon™ through bloodied combat. I couldn't simply show it to her the same way I showed it to that Chinese ghost; she needed to earn it and realize its true potential.

***

"Why didn't you bring those Lillien Knights of yours? Arr." Ruby Heart and B. Jenet were standing in the middle of a crowded sidewalk, dodging the people pouring out of both the streets and the door in front of them.

"They're busy scouring the city for more easy scams, like street poker and religious tithing. Arr!"

"You say that now, but I would put it on me ship's pride that your crew be doing nothing more than dumping the latest Japanese Game Boy Advance ROMs. Arr..."

"Arr, ye mock me Lillien Knights, contemptuous woman?! What crew have you? Huh? Huh?" B. Jenet stuck her tongue out and pulled on her lower eye-lid. "I'll tell you where they be! Thanos got his Infinity Gauntlet jacked by Tron Bonne, Jill Valentine went on to the beginning of a lucrative movie career, Spider-Man has gone back to his wrench, Sakura went back to being a no-good stalker, and CapCom backed that shit up _too _good when he reversed your ship into an iceburg! Now tell me, _Captain_ Ruby Heart, what crew have _ye?!_"

"...such scathing words ye say." Ruby Heart took off her hat to scratch her head, and lifted her eyes towards the sign overlooking them. "Do you think they're _taunting_ us?" 

"'Chinese Ghosts?' An easy hint, it be. A possible trap?"

"Perhaps their freedom has nurtured their egos, and demand to be challenged!" 

"Shall we take our revenge out on her now? No one leaves the industrious employ of B. Jenet!" She haughtily laughed, placing her hands on her waist.

"Nor do they leave the employ of Rub-"

"Didn't I just get through telling you your crew straight-up bailed on you after MvC2?"

***

"Damn. It went into a _pond._" Rugal marched on forward, while Sentinel followed him, still silent. Meanwhile, the AI of the towering robot was engaged in a private satellite-feed conversation inside its inner-most chambers.

"So what you're telling me is that he had a hit out on 'Super Turbo' Akuma _because_ he was a founding member of Top Tier?! And he doesn't know who YOU of all people are?!" This was the boisterous yelling of Cable, one of the highest ranking members of Top Tier. 

"Obviously, he doesn't play Marvel," responded Sent's AI.

"How do you figure he knows how Akuma got involved with us?! A man like Rugal could easily get at least one or two more names off the hallowed Top Tier roster!"

"Allow me to present an analogy: American citizens know who U.S. President Washington is, but fail to acknowledge the existence of Taft," Sent responded.

"...that might work. But why would he start knocking us out?!"

"I believe that Mr. Rugal wishes to overthrow the Top Tier defense force for the purposes of staging a worldwide coup."

"...just wait there, then. As soon as Storm and I arrive, get ready to stomp his ass. Oh, and Mags won't make it; he got invited to the fuckin' MTV Video Music Awards. I bet you he's halfway done rushing down the Olsen Twins by now."

"Affirmative." 

***

A mass exodus of Chinese Ghosts patrons began not soon after B. Jenet and Ruby Heart took the restaurant by surprise, beasting on whatever valuable property they could see in an effort to draw out their former business associates.

"...the hell?" Akuma didn't quite expect _this_ to happen. He raised one of his eyebrows, and then focused his attention on the intoxicated and titular Ansatsuken kid. Baby Bonnie Hood was still out, burping into a cold plate of pasta. 

"What the hell's going on?!" Chef Hsien-ko herself shoved the kitchen doors out of her way with great force, quite offended at the chaos caused in her own establishment. "Heart! Jenet!"

"The damned wraiths of lasses have finally made themselves apparent." Ruby Heart quickly thrusted her hand upwards, bringing about a large burst of water from the ground. Hsien-ko covered herself with her arms to protect herself from the powerful jets of water that would spring forth her way, but didn't expect B. Jenet to dash through the downpour undetected and whip out a vagina-exposing roundhouse for the loyal readership of _The Ansatsuken Kid_, knocking Hsien-ko down.

Akuma's eyes gave off another eyebrow.

"Aye, this capture of the lass was a grave disappointment. We've overestimated her." B. Jenet laughed, jiggling her breasts in a profound, lava-lamp-esque way.

"Mei-Ling! *cough* We need to combine *cough* to form...MAGICAL PRETTY GHOST HSIEN-KO!" Still reeling from the offensive, the little tag Mei-Ling hopped on her sister's head to become the true Hsien-ko; traditional Chinese ghost dress, huge ass sleeves with the claws, with the red/blue palette. 

"Whoa..." was all Hsien-ko could muster.

"Arr, what the hell?" Ruby didn't wait to warn her comrade when she summoned her mighty vessel from out of nowhere to crash into the modest restaurant with its cannons a-blazing. Suddenly, another burst of water came and swept B. Jenet away into the streets, while she cursed her partner out with a variety of pirate vernacular. 

"This is some repugnant shit," Akuma muttered to himself. 

  
Hsien-ko, the target of the aforementioned cannonballs, blocked them all with the sound vibrations of her mighty gong.

"The terrible noise of the accursed gong! Have at you then, wench!" Ruby dashed through her own jet streams of water wielding an anchor. Ruby slashed Hsien-ko upwards, launching her into the air, but she countered by swinging off a bladed pendulum Spider-Man style, which appeared out of nowhere. Upon landing, she startled Heart with a funny diagonal roundhouse, Hulk style. Then she dashed to Ruby's descending body and gave her a quick fierce slashes with her claws, Ibuki style. 

"What is this, _Marvel Super Heroes_ + _Second Impact_?" commented Akuma.

Hsien-ko sent a few spiked balls over to Ruby, attempting to knock her down _Capcom Bowling_ style, but Ruby blocked the attacks and took off her..belt...and whipped Hsien-ko in the mouth, goddamn! 

"What the hell was that?!" 

"I was being resourceful, arr."

"Why did you have to use your belt though?"

"Because I want to whip ya like ya daddy should'a; with his hard working belt! Arr!" 

"What's the point of adding insult to injury?! Why do fighters like you have to taint the honorable ideals of street fighting combat with your vain, 'ownage' philosophies?!" 

"Uh...ow...ownage?" Buletta's eyes began to open slightly, as she came to.

"Arr, ye don't get it at all, do you then?! Ownage is the right of manhood, the qualities that define who is the weak, and who is the strong! Those who deserve to reap the glory of the world, are those who pwn their weak enemies by any means necessary!"

"That's right, I don't get it! Why did we ever come to be enemies in the first place?!"

"To one who owns, all are the owneded!" Ruby summoned several great explosions of water, and was determined to tear the block apart. The building in which the Chinese Ghosts restaurant operated collapsed, and began to flood the streets. She and Hsien-ko did not seem to react, as they floated all the way to the top of a nearby building's ceiling (a Best Buy, no less, so you know the roof had that fucked up angle thing going on with the logo). They both stepped onto the ceiling, with the cold chill of the howling midnight gusts blowing their clothing violently into the night (for added fucking effect!).

"Buletta, let's go up there." The first words Akuma said to his freshly revived student. "Oh, and why the hell aren't you in a hang over?"

"We can't get up there. The water they used to float up to the ceiling just dissipated. And I'm the greatest drinker in the world, of course I don't get hang overs."

"Bull-fucking-shit. I bet Gen could drink like 100 bottles of Listerine and not give a fuck." Akuma reflected, upon the life of the Chinese assassin he once knew. "And I know the water's dissipated. We have Super Jumps, and you have a damn double jump added onto that."

"Oh. Yeah. D'oh." The master and student pair Tigger-bounced onto the Best Buy's ceiling. "Whoever designed that fucking yellow tag needs to get SHOT."

"Silence. The final battle begins." Akuma turned Buletta's head towards the culmination of the fight.

Ruby swung her anchor one last time.

"Then I'll have to show you that power isn't a right exclusive to arrogant!" Hsien-ko dropped the giant claws protruding out of her gigantic sleeves, and tore the threads connecting the sleeves to her dress right off. "INSTANT..."

Ruby dashed at her opponent and leaped into the sky with her anchor pinpointed directly at Hsien-ko's head. 

"...HELL..."

With the steam of blood thawing her hands, Hsien-ko teleported out of harm's way, and before Ruby could descend from her jump, Hsien-ko had reappeared directly behind her, and had already grabbed her body, setting her up for the finisher.

"...MURDER!!!"

The moonlight eye had shut and flickered, and once the darkness was unsheathed, Ruby Heart had fallen. 

"VICTORY!!!" Hsien-ko, posing for no one and nothing in particular, began shooting off V signs with her hands like nobody's business. 

"...gay" was Akuma's only response to the climax. "Weakness. She barely ruptured the pirate woman's back, much less her life. Don't you think so?" Akuma didn't bother turning his head to check on Buletta for an answer; he already knew it would be a waste of a head turn because he had already known what her reaction to seeing the Instant Hell Murder again would be.

"HSIEN-KO!!!" Buletta pointed at her former bounty head, snarling with fangs. "ONLY ONE WILL WALK THE EARTH WITH THE KNOWLEDGE OF THAT FINAL TECHNIQUE, THE GLORY OF THE ANSATSUKEN ARTS!!!"

"Um...oh yeah, you were at the Six Flags! What're you doing here?"

"THE INSTANT HELL RAGING MURDERER DEMON WILL NOT BE TAINTED WITH YOUR PROFANE, IDEALISTIC WAYS!!!" Buletta clapped her hands together and formed a glowing, ki-based automatic weapon. This was Buletta's perfected, custom technique of the Ansatsuken ways: the Hadou-42!

"So do you really think you're cool because you yell when you speak?!" Hsien-ko quickly prepared herself against Buletta's inevitable onslaught.

"Werd!"

***

Street Fighter, Akuma, Sagat and related characters and names © 1987-2003 CAPCOM

DarkStalkers, B.B. Hood and related characters and names © 1994-2003 CAPCOM


	13. Two Fateful Battles, One Final Breath

"FORE!" Rugal liberated a golf ball from its tee and into a moonlit treetop. "Isn't that fresh?"

"Absolutely." Sentinel was getting impatient with Cable to arrive, and even began to blow some steam.

"Hey, is that healthy?" Rugal noticed his bounty hunter's anxiety. "You would fancy a masseuse?"

"Just a premium unleaded martini."

"You can go back into my home and have one of the servants fix one up. Relax now, because I wouldn't want you to lose your cool on our little arrangement." Rugal chuckled, and went back to his golf session. Sentinel took his advice and left to freshen himself up...and make another contact with Cable.

"Where the fuck are you?!" Sent's internal transmission to Cable had gone ignored for a half-hour now. "Why must I wait for you when I can frying pan this gnat right now?!" Sentinel was finally able to get a faint transmission, indicating some activity on the other line.

"...m...ve mo...e ... now!"

"?"

"...MOVE, MOVE, MOVE! NOW!"

"The shit?!" Sentinel saw a flash of lightning, followed by a loud rumble of thunder. He turned around, and looked into the sky and saw Cable and Storm descending from a dark gathering of clouds.

"It's starting to rain? Pity!" Rugal casually raised his eyebrow and abandoned his game. "Well, I hope you don't rust up or anything."

"SNK bitch." Before Rugal can say "what," Sentinel hovered above him and whacked Rugal upside the head with his giant frying pan, knocking him into a muddy pit of sand.

"You double crossing..." Rugal stumbled to his feet, not expecting a blow like that. He marched towards his robot enemy, only to be surprised by a sudden scimitar to the chin, knocking him down again. Rugal looked up, and saw a towering man with white hair standing above him.

"You were too ambitious Rugal." Cable smiled, sternly, and nodded to Storm.

"Yes. He's frugal Rugal." Storm laughed out loud.

"Shut up Storm." Cable picked up Rugal with his left arm and shot a quick Viper Beam to his gut. "Too easy. You're sure he's the guy Sent?" Before Sentinel could answer, Rugal pounced up again and noticed the hole in his shirt.

"You put a hole in my shirt? You must be stupider than you look! Do you know what happens when Rugal takes off his shirt?!"

"No."

"I get cheap!"

* * *

Meanwhile, the stare down between Hood and Hsien-ko was getting tenser. Hsien-ko stood indignant to Buletta's ranting and raving, while Buletta grew tired and irritated at the ghost's arrogance.

"Why are you pissed in the first place?! Look at yourself, woman! Gain some semblance of sanity for a moment and understand the big picture!" Hsien-ko gulped for a second, because Buletta's Hadouken firearm was getting closer, and less shaky as time passed.

"I'm sane alright! It's you who's too stubborn to accept who you are!"

"What?!"

"Exactly! You're touting around a special technique that you never earned! You're bastardizing the pride of my art!"

"This coming from a girl who turned our hallowed fireball into a semi-automatic gun?" Akuma poked his head out, knocked Buletta in the forehead, and returned to the background.

"Ow! But the point is, YOU'RE making unlawfully liberal use of the signature move of MURDER! You poser!"

"You pretentious brat! A warrior's technique isn't defined by it's origin, but of the heart of the fighter using it! And what makes you think I care about 'bastardizing' your petty martial art anyway?!" Hsien-ko stomped the Best Buy roof hard, and swung her ball-and-chain once.

"Guess what? You might have convinced yourself now that you have no problem using the Raging Demon for the cause of good and justice, or even self defense, but I see through your shallow delusions! You must give into fantasies of weakness very often if you think you can defy the joy of murder so flagrantly!" Buletta spun her Hadou-42 on its trigger, and formed a second gun with her free hand. She jumped forward, leaping above Hsien-ko. "Akuma did good; he had me holed up in his boot camp from hell for so long that I haven't killed anyone for months!" She started cackling, uncontrollably. "He's made me so thirsty! And I'll get drunk off your blood!"

"That line would've sounded cool, but I don't have blood!" When Buletta landed, the Chinese ghost caught her off guard by whipping out her giant black gong and banging on it. Knocked down by the auditory waves, Buletta got ran over by Hsien-ko's lawnmower claws.

"Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow!" Buletta was flung, bounced, and rolled on the ground. Hsien-ko dashed in again, trying to rush her down with her lawnmower claws once more, but Buletta was able to side step and counter with an uppercut. "SHINRYUKEN! ... Y'know, that looks cool, but why isn't mine flaming or anything?"

"You must be more than rich and white to perform the Shinryuken." Akuma growled, and went back into obscurity again. Hsien-ko was floored, and Buletta stood above her, already thinking she'd won.

"And she didn't even get to use that move too. Fuck!" Buletta awkwardly stood there, waiting for something, perhaps even a little gopher to pop up from the ground. "So...that's it?"

"Twack!" Hsien-ko mumbled.

"Huh?" A giant claw erupted from Hsien-ko's sleeve in a diagonal angle, responding to Buletta's face. Hsien-ko got on her feet again, and quickly whipped the aforementioned claw into her opponent's face to produce a deafening smack. Hsien-ko grinned to herself, but was surprised when Buletta, fuming with rage, pulled on her claw and pulling her forward. Buletta headbutted Hsien-ko to the nose, and, while she was wobbling, clenched her right fist.

What the fuck? Did she ever study under Balrog? Akuma wondered to himself. He was getting irritated though; he wanted to see some Raging Demon action soon; otherwise this would be a trivial spat, and not the fight he had wanted to see when he finally passed away.

* * *

"Ugh. I've heard of this. SNK bosses take off their shirts and suddenly their strength and vitality increases tenfold." Cable juiced up the Hyper Viper Beam again, waiting to shoot it at Rugal. "Sentinel!"

"Yes."

"I need you to summon your drones!"

"Will do." With one swipe of his pimp hand, Sentinel summoned his drones, affectionately called "little Sents." They bombarded Rugal in a cloud of smoke, leaving him only slightly delayed.

"Storm!"

"Yes."

"Run the fuck away, and make a ton of whirlwinds in the air!"

"I shall." Storm ascended into the atmosphere with the summoned cowardice of an anorexic schoolgirl, quickly building meter by sending gales at no one at all. Cable jumped, and charged his AHVB. However, Rugal dashed forward, and rolled right through the laser, and Cable. Rugal grabbed Cable by the face, and sprinted into Sentinel's direction. Rugal rammed Cable's skull into the rocket punch intended for the rich bastard.

"You new Top Tier kids are amateurs."

* * *

Buletta raced toward Hsien-ko, and unloaded a torrent of Shoryukens on her.

"SHO-SHO-SHO-SHO-SHO-SHO-SHO-SHO-SHO-SHO-SHO-SHO-SHO-SHO-SHO-SHO-SHO-SHO-SHO-SHORYUKEN!" After pummeling her opponent, Buletta leapt and conjured her air fireball. "ZANKUU...HADOUKEN!" With her Hadou-42, she shot hundreds of rounds of Hadoukens at Hsien-ko. Hsien-ko, however, was unphased by that attack.

"Naughty girl. You should have canceled into something." When Buletta fell back down to the roof again, Hsien-ko grabbed her in a familiar way. "This is what I meant about fighters' hearts!"

"Agh! What the hell?!" Buletta could feel herself burning up, but was more insulted than worried.

"This is the technique you wanted?! The power to demolish what little semblance of humanity is left in the world?!"

"What little semblance of humanity is left?! Get off your soapbox!" Buletta's throat began to swell; it was becoming harder to breathe, much less talk. "Oh...I see. So you were afraid of the Instant Hell Murder!" Buletta exalted her hands on Hsien-ko with an unbreakable grip.

"Ho...how did you learn the Instant Hell Murder?! Did he teach you?!"

"No! I saw it with my own eyes! You should really have more faith in the abilities of your fellow man, right?!" Both fighters tightened their grips.

"How could you?! Whenever it's used...the arena turns pitch black!"

"Too bad for you that I could see through it then! How's you like THESE apples?!" Buletta could feel Hsien-ko's arms give out due to the exhaust of fighting two heavy battles. She began the process of methodically attacking her, beating her out of and back into consciousness.

And that's what Satsui no Hadou was all along...the way to engulf the world in a shadow, and the path to see through it.

And fifteen minutes would pass before Hsien-ko would talk.

"So...after you beat me...you're going to terrorize the world with that thing? ... Are you going to do nothing but catch bounties with it?"

"...um, for your first question, you need to have a little more hope that whatever happens, all will be right with the world." Buletta, exhausted, laid down and rested, breathing deeply. "For your second question...sure. But why do you care what I do with the Raging Demon?" The girls stared straight into the now-tumultuous night sky.

"Maybe because I've felt more pain and destruction for a whole world. I dunno."

"...I don't really care about your story." Still on their backs, Hsien-ko rammed a fist on Buletta's face. "Ow. Sorry, but it sounds like you need to either do one of two things: stop caring for a society you don't know, or start to truly love someone."

"You think?" Hsien-ko could feel the rush of her nerves emitting pain again. "Ow, ow ow ow ow!"

"Sure. Um, not that I know about love or anything."

"So are you going to at least turn me into those pirates for my bounty?"

"They'll probably cancel it now that you beat their asses left and right. Right?"

"I hope so. I've got a real career now."

Hope. Hope that while we warriors take our rightful places in the hierarchy of destiny, the weak shall be humbled and happy, and will choose not to interfere with us. Hope that the world will one day realize that only the strong deserve to die.

"How did you get to know him anyway?" Hsien-ko nodded in Akuma's direction.

"A while back some guy posted a bounty on Aku. Then he sort of promised me a hot new ass if I studied under him, and I figured that my reward could wait."

"...so why haven't you turned him in by now?"

"...I don't know. He feels like the crackpot uncle I never had. He has to be, because one time he told me I reminded him of Ralph Macchio."

"I bet you're just saying that because you couldn't kill him." Hsien-ko sighed, and for the first time, noticed a blue ridge permeating from the roof from the corner of her eyes. "...um, are we on top of a Best Buy or something?"

"...uh...yeah. But he's gonna die REAL soon, I think...oh, and yeah, we're on top of a Best Buy."

"Jesus, why did I have to have a couple of fights on the roof of a Best Buy? I don't like their return policy."

"Excuse me, but as you two girls gab on light heartedly about whatever insipid vagina-inspired bullshit you're spewing forth, I'm dying here." Akuma suddenly coughed up a hearty hack of his own blood, and was already lying on his back. Buletta was speechless, never having seen her crackpot uncle in this condition before. Hsien-ko took her cue.

"I guess ... I need to leave you two alone." With that, the ghost exited from the story, fazing through the solid ceiling, leaving student and teacher alone to assess their situation...and say their good-byes.

This feeling wasn't entirely foreign to B.B. Hood. However, between then and now, lies a five thousand mile gap, with only her short time under Akuma's tutelage as a feeble bridge. She never thought before that she would find herself mourning someone's death again. She was nervous, and her eyes became bleak and tiny. She could only inch towards her decaying master.

"Come closer." It was the only words she could derive from him, obscured by the gurgling of blood in his throat.

"But I can't." But she did. Still injured a bit, she could only crawl towards the glow of his Heaven character exuding from his back. Buletta hesitated, in disbelief of her feelings. It doesn't make any sense... You're just a bounty! She stopped, and began creep backwards. I don't act like this. I don't feel like this! I refuse to be chang-

"Closer still, and look into your master's eyes!"

Buletta pounced forth, kneeling beside Akuma's head on one knee, and tugged at the beads on his neck.

"You bastard! Why did you have to ...?!" Akuma quickly coughed out a small puddle of blood, pounding it out of his system so that he could clearly pass along his final message.

"You became a bounty hunter and an assassin because you denied and detached from your human emotions. I meditated in the desert for many nights until I realized that Sagat's low fierce, the technique which would finally defeat me, was powered by the courage of his heart."

"Then tell me why I can't stand seeing you like this!!!" By now, she had let herself sob all over her master, and began striking him in the face in outrage.

"What the fuck." Akuma alpha countered and Buletta was flung backwards a few feet. "I'm not done talking." Buletta pouted, inching towards him again. "I too was like you. I forfeited my humanity for my technicality, to become a being of pure skill. My mind was at peace, but my heart had already begun to rot. I have never felt true hatred, or true love before you." Buletta began to whimper.

"...what do you mean?!" She was finally able to get out, in between chokes of tears.

"I have never felt true pride for the accomplishments of another warrior. I enjoyed seeing you progress as such."

"...and what about the thing you said about true hatred?"

"I have discovered...that I am not very fond of you white people." They both laughed with eachother, but Akuma had to regain his composure because his message was urgent. "You will be the first to use Satsui no Hadou and derive power from your humanity. Imagine the glory of our style, empowered by both love and hatred!"

"Why did you believe I would carry on your legacy?!" Buletta began crying into Akuma's chest. "You still have more to tell me!"

"I am undone, my pupil. There will always be one master of your art to walk the earth. Only one." Akuma used the remaining bit of his strength to rip the necklace from his neck and raise them into the sky. He turned his eyes towards Buletta, and nodded. He let his eyelids collapse, and was freed. Buletta tried to stop crying, even slapping herself out of her sadness. She grabbed Akuma's beads.

* * *

Rugal was finished ripping off Sentinel's arms, and began to whistle Dixie. "Hah! No more frying pans now!"

"Rugal..." Cable was defeated, barely able to speak, with his enemy looking down on him. "You son of a bitch! The rest of Top Tier isn't going to stand idly by while you go on your crusade to remove us! You're a dead man!"

"Funny, Mister...Cable. You seem to speak as if you still in possession of your own balls!" He suddenly received a call on his Sony Ericsson. "It's Rugal."

"It's Hood. I have the target."

"Beautiful, just beautiful. You know where you need to go. I'll be there in an hour." Rugal turned off his phone, and gave Cable a smug look. "Guess what? I already got ST Akuma."

* * *

THIS IS THE END OF THE SECOND STAGE OF B.B. HOOD'S EXPECTATIONS.

Street Fighter, Akuma, Sagat and related characters and names © 1987-2004 CAPCOM

DarkStalkers, B.B. Hood and related characters and names © 1994-2004 CAPCOM

King of Fighters, Rugal Bernstein and related characters and names ©1994-2004 SNK Playmore

Cable, Storm, Sentinel, Magneto and related characters and names ©The Beginning of Time-2004 Marvel Enterprises


	14. Underneath the Veil of Top Tier! The Las...

EX-Balrog was nervous. Today he made sure to dress conservatively, in a semi-casual, semi-formal black coat. He made sure his entire outfit matched before getting up and out into the morning world, and was prepared to walk through the Top Tiers courtyard, in an effort to intercept...her.

Nakoruru.

Balrog was trying to keep his composure, but his self-assertiveness all but vanished when he imagined Nakoruru's expressive eyes, and attractive spunk. While they were both top tier in CvS1, they were still barely on speaking terms. But a fire ignited in Balrog's heart, and he knew that no cultural barrier was going to come between him and happiness. His dark outfit was a contrast to the fresh white blanket of snow that still sprinkled humbly upon the lush courtyard...

As soon as Nakoruru walked through the doors of the Top Tier HQ's B-hallway, she could see him. A strong, big, defined man, who was also fairly intelligent because he took over and ran Shadaloo at least a couple of times. A warrior whose own standing fierce had to be seen to believed, he would have been a great man to help defend her gods.

Balrog, was his name.

And then, the two star-crossed admirers saw eachother...they were speechless, and crossed eachother's paths.

Don't puss out Rog! Gotta rush her shit down NOW!

Nakoruru, what're you doing to yourself! Give him at least one more chance to speak to you!

After passing eachother by, they quickly turned around.

"Hey Nak."

"Oh...hello Balrog."

"You watch VH1 last night? ... I think that Dixie Chick won best quote of 2003. I was hoping voodazz or Azrael-sama would've gotten it for them 24 threads on shit's too funny."

"Oh...um...the only forum I ever visited was Go-Gaia." Nakoruru shyly looked away, slightly blushing.

"OH SHIT! OH SHIT! YOU TWO HEARD?!" Balrog and Nakoruru turned their heads at Sakura, who was in permanent A-Groove. Trailing blue shadows followed her wherever she went, and however she moved.

Ah fuck, SAK. Balrog shook his head.

...Sakura? Nakoruru turned to her, slightly depressed. "What is it?"

"OH SHIT! OH SHIT! CABLE! STORM! SENT 2003! BAD BOYZ II SOUNDTRACK! They got fuckin' BEASTED last night by Rugal Bernstein!"

"...that's it?!" Balrog roared at the custom combo schoolgirl, swinging his beefy arms at her. "DON'T RUIN MY SHIT!"

"Huh?" Nakoruru turned her head towards Balrog...and she noticed that his face was steaming red. "Are you...angry? What did she ruin?"

"...um...she's gettin' footprints in the damn snow!"

"FINE! BE THAT WAY! XP" Sakura razzed Balrog and continued shouting last night's news. "AHVB AIN'T SHIT! FRYING PAN?! FUCK THAT! RUN AWAY ALL THE WAY HOME STORM, YA BITCH!"

"Can you believe it? Rugal Bernstein defeated Marvel's top tier!"

"So? He ain't touch us yet! We were CvS1's top tier! And I bet he can't lay a FINGER on Sagat..." Balrog looked at Nakoruru, and at the glistening snowflakes descending from heaven. "Hey...Nak. I was meaning to ask..."

"What?" Nakoruru's bright eyes perked up, attentive to nothing in the world except for what Balrog had to say.

"Well...you see...you've been driving me crazy for the past couple of months now since I started seeing you in my dreams and shit. I guess it means..."

"What do you think it means?"

"I kinda wanna stuff my cock down your throat hard. Y'know. You Japanese girls, you dig that bukkake shit right?"

"...I waited so long for you to ask me." Nakoruru warmly embraced her new lover.

* * *

"I thought Rugal Bernstein was dead." Chun-Li sipped on a cup of ginseng at the Top Tier Board of Directors, dismally catching up on the latest news. Seated next to her were several of Top Tier's most influential members. "Wasn't he killed by Ky-" Chun-Li stopped herself, noting Iori Yagami's growling. "...osuke?"

"That scrub from Rival Schools? Who gives a fuck about him? 'Oh, I can do air combos and Snowstorm rides my nuts...' and all that stupid shit." Wolverine wasn't exactly familiar with the animosity between Kyo Kusanagi and Iori Yagami, but the most he ever thought about was scratching his nuts.

"I wish he were gone. I'm pretty sure he wants to molest me." Guile lowered his head in shame. "He has a sculpture of me taking a shit for Christ's sake."

"Who gives a fuck?! The only thing that matters is that he's after me! ME NEXT!" Magneto was spazzing in the corner, foaming from the mouth, banging his head on the wall, triangle jumping, and trying to inject heroin into one of his veins.

"...goddamn, Mags. Get a fucking grip!" Wolverine growled, but Magneto snarled back, his eyes bulging so far out that the Azumanga Daioh girls would be repulsed.

"Anyway...what's our course of action sir?" Chun-Li turned her head to the Top of Top Tier himself, the chairman of the organization, as did the rest of the room, Magneto not withstanding. Swiveling around his plush ivory chair, he slammed his paws on the table. Rush was furious.

"RUFF! Rugal's going to learn that if he didn't start no shit there wouldn't BE no shit! RUFF! We have Red Venom place his bitch ass on lockdown, and then we strike! RUFF!" Rush turned into a jet and flew away, ending his meeting.

"Red Venom?!" Iori Yagami started to whine on the floor, pounding it like a little girl. "Shit! Why can't Rush send ME out on missions?!"

"Because you're a whiny Azn SLUT, now shut the fuck up." Wolverine gave Iori the middle adamantium finger, and everyone went on their way.

* * *

Rugal Bernstein was sipping on a glass of Bailey's with the de-thawed Adolf Hitler, the previous owner and current inhabitant of the Albatross he purchased not too long ago. They both sat in front of eachother on a desk near the airship's deck.

"So, the first thing we replaced was the windshield after that damned American bionic man shot a bazooka through it." Hitler adjusted his new monocle and drank from his Aryan Cola© with a pinky stretched out into the air.

"What a disgusting waste that must have been. I've had an airship or two wasted by some brats before myself..."

"Firstly, sir, I would like to congratulate you for being an exemplary example of a biologically superior human being. Your blonde hair makes me shiver in trepidation of the might of the Aryan brotherhood, and the rest of the members of the Neo-BADDS."

"Actually, I was planning on becoming a god by fusing myself with the spirit of a Japanese man..."

"..." Hitler looked around, confused.

"I guess no one briefed you. Asians own everyone now. It's that blasted anime fad."

"...this saddens me." Hitler let a sole tear stream down his face.

"Don't worry, all the REALLY strong Asians have blonde hair and blue eyes, so it all works out."

The thought of blonde hair and blue eyes made Rugal think back to just a few hours ago; in the Albatross, Rugal descended into the nearby Catskill Mountains. On top of a steep cliff cluttered with trees and bushes, Rugal saw a silhouette cast by the moon on the mist. It was shaped like the bounty hunter he hired nearly months ago, cloaked in a dark red hood. She stood still, her face obscured in the dark, clutching a body by the neck in her right hand.

"So, you finally did it. Good deal, Bonnie."

Buletta hurled Akuma's cadaver at Rugal and gradually stepped away. Rugal cocked his head in curiosity, catching a glance at her un-obscured face once she appeared beneath a beam of moonlight; she looked considerably tanner, and a white lock of hair poked out of her hood.

She mustn't be a really strong Asian then. Rugal came back to the present, extending his pinky while sipping on a cup of Aryan Cola©.

* * *

Street Fighter, Akuma, Sagat and related characters and names © 1987-2004 CAPCOM

DarkStalkers, B.B. Hood and related characters and names © 1994-2004 CAPCOM

King of Fighters, Rugal Bernstein and related characters and names ©1994-2004 SNK Playmore

Cable, Storm, Sentinel, Magneto and related characters and names ©The Beginning of Time-2004 Marvel Enterprises


	15. Enter Sagat, the Grand Master of Crouchi...

His sight was slightly obscured by the gentle mist that enveloped the view around him. The ground felt as soft as silk, and the air was crisp. The rapture was peacefully quiet, yet the cherubs still sang songs passionately. Yet, when he looked up, he saw that there was no sky...

For Akuma was in heaven.

Akuma extended his open palms to his face, and gripped the air tightly, cracking his fists. He hesitantly turned his head to his sides; heaven was a baroque-esque, visual melody. The sun bled into the clouds, and a divine glow radiated from all the crevices of heaven. Akuma gradually stepped forward to explore his afterlife.

"Gouki."

A hand grabbed his shoulder, and Akuma jerked his head back. He now saw a man with an enormous beard, a shiny cranium, and a bulky body.

"...Gouken?!" Akuma turned around to see his beloved brother stand before him. This was the first time they had met since he died at Akuma's hands. But Gouken did not seem to seek vengeance. His warm eyes, and wide smile, indicated something else.

"Brother...you were submerged in the pit of despair as a demon, and finally, you have emerged from it as a man." Gouken crossed his arms, approvingly. "The murderous intent has been absolved from your spirit!"

Akuma looked at his brother, blankly.

"...Gouken..."

"You are confused. You may harbor memories of the past, but your heart is not the same. You have relinquished death and chosen life. Come, now is the time to meet with Master Goutetsu."

* * *

Rugal left Adolf by himself and went into a large ballroom he had furnished within the Albatross. It was ornately decorated with renaissance motifs and sensual, radiant candles. On a sacrificial table was placed Akuma's body, and Rugal approached it cautiously. He placed his hands on Akuma's chest, grasping it.

"...uh...hmm..." After twisting Akuma's nipples for the third time, Rugal realized that he didn't know what he was doing. "Damn! But when the inheritor of the dragon god's blood becomes encased by the murderous intent, he's supposed to become a god himself!"

"True. But there's one mistake in your ceremony, mon ami." Emerging from an obscure corner of the room was a man clad in red, caressing his light, blond hair in one hand, with green flames erupting out of the other. With a playful smile, he started giggling.

"What the fuck?! Ricky Ortiz?!" Rugal began shouting at the androgynous man. "Back away!"

"Je ne suis pas Ricky. No, no, je suis Ash Crimson! And the man on your table did not have the murderous intent!"

"You should get your facts straight, Viscant! This is Akuma! He was the only living master of Ansatsuken, and the only man who ever attained Satsui no Hadou!"

"Do not delude yourself, my friend. Yes, he may be the only man who attained Satsui no Hadou...but he passed it on, to the only girl who attained Satsui no Hadou!"

"Who told you what you know?! It's all nonsense!"

"tch tch There you go again! A little birdie by the name of Kagura told me about your plot to become God Rugal!" Rugal flinched, deciding to listen to what Ash had to say. "You should be thankful that while she was using this information to plot against you before you achieved this godhood. I plan on killing you after you reach your divinity!"

"...uh..." Rugal was speechless.

"I'll tell you all you need to know in due time. She has yet to become the Shin she had thrusted upon her. But remember...when you become God Rugal...tu mange mon jambon!"

"...what?"

"You eat my meat!"

"Goddamn, you're a fag."

* * *

Metro City, USA. The sun rises over a street pavement hill, bringing the hope of a brand new day. The ghettos were enveloped in light, and Poison, Hugo, and Bao had to hide indoors. The day also greeted Sagat into Metro City. He came to here to get in touch with the urban dwellers; to do some good in a corrupt world. His conscience was clear, and his righteous path was revealed. Sagat, taking his hand out of his trench coat pocket once to toss a crumpled piece of paper on the street, walked into...a record store.

The door chimed little bells when he opened it, and Sagat went straight for the sloppily organized racks of CDs. The shop's clerk, Duck King, noticed that he actually had a customer today, and went straight to shill mode from the back of the counter.

"Hey man. Lemmie guess...big DJ like you, you want the vinyls?"

"Uh...no. I'm no DJ."

"Ah...geez." Duck King allowed his disappointment to be audible. "I figured the rave scene was really dying. The fuckin' car commercials killed it. I blame them, AND all the douchebags who made combo vids with Sandstorm in the background."

"You got any Pitch Black? I'm looking for Pitch Black." Sagat smirked, now filing through the used CDs.

"So you're a hip hop head, huh?" Duck King leaped over his counter and leaned against a wall, casually conversing with the muay thai emperor. "Yeah, I think a guy sold off a CD of theirs a couple days ago. Should be around there, somewhere. To tell you the truth though...I can only feel so much of the new stuff. The old school beats are where my heart's at!"

"Oh, really." Sagat decided to amuse himself some more with this line of conversation. "You look like you can breakdance in those loose fit clothes you're wearing. Either that, or you're fixing to play some DDR."

"How'd you guess? But those muay thai trunks look pretty comfy for moving too..." Duck King instantly froze upon analyzing his customer a little more. Blue, yellow trunks. Huge, mountain-like build. Eyepatch. Shiny dome. "Oh, shit. OH, SHIT! You're Sag! You're Sagat aren't you?!"

Sagat lowered his head, almost in mourning. Then he picked himself up, staring into Duck's glasses.

"...keep that on lock down."

"How can I keep that on lock down?! Anyone in the fighting scene will recognize you man! You got the fierce! You got the power!"

"Well, I figured that if I can imitate the Summers Family Roundhouse, and put on blue spandex, people'll start calling me Cyclops..."

Duck King tilted his head, confused.

"...because I have one eye."

"Oh."

* * *

"FATHER!!!"

"Yes?" God answered. The Lord was in the middle of one hundred push-ups, part of his Saikyo training.

"No, not you!" Dan Hibiki thrust his fist into the air, with streams of tears flowing like waterfalls down his face. "I will find you somewhere in Heaven, dad!"

"Hey," the goddess Athena whispered to the Lord, still trying to get comfortable in a pink gi. "I don't think he got sent here."

"Go Hibiki? ... No, he didn't." God put a hand over his mouth while speaking. "Let's keep that on the down low."

"What the fuck." The divine Saikyo school all turned their heads at their new visitor. Akuma was shaking his head in disbelief. "Tch tch. This is just sorry." Akuma walked away, catching up with Gouken.

"I can't believe the student I kicked out became the sensei of God Himself. I'm sure someone is going to hell for this."

"It's not me," Bowling Pin interrupted. "SNK started it."

"This shit is fucked. What does Master do to keep from getting bored?" Akuma noted that little Care Bears now infested this fluffier, pinker part of Heaven. The cuddly creatures grasped onto his arms like koalas in trees, but Akuma swatted them away.

"Master Goutetsu beatboxes. He plays with FruityLoops often...here we are." Akuma and Gouken came to a fluffy amphitheater where their master, huddled over a PC with a keyboard and turntables, meditated. Gouken immediately kneeled to the ground, and Akuma, hesitating, did the same.

"Master! I've brought along Akuma!" Gouken announced, and Goutetsu raised his head above his workstation. He placed his hand on the vinyls and starting twisting.

"'Ma-ma-MASTER, I brought Akuma-ma-ma.' What's up?"

"...Master Goutetsu. I have passed away, cleansed of the murderous intent. It was absolved by the love I had for my student, whom I regard as a daughter."

"'The murderous intent, absolved by the love.' BOOSH, KA-BOOSH, KA-BOOSH, KA-BOOSH, BOOSH. I thought you'd see it my way one of these days." Goutetsu smiled, while bobbing his head. "Oh shit...HEY, GOUKEN! TURN MY HEADPHONES UP!"

"Yes sir." Gouken went into a previously obscured control panel, made of clouds, and turned up the snare on his master's headphones.

"Yes. But I am qualmed. She has no doubt inherited the Satsui no Hadou. I intended it to exist beyond my mortal coil, which is why I passed along the true face of Ansatsuken. However, in my epiphany, I discovered that the intent of murder was not necessary...only the optimism that you will triumph over your obstacle, because that is what I worked towards when I taught Buletta. I won the girl not by killing her in combat, but by working at her. It was the effort that became the victory."

"'It-was-the-EFFOR-EFFORT that became the victory.'...damn, Akuma. You gone soft, bitch." Goutetsu spat.

"Fuck you cunt." Akuma retorted.

"Alright, maybe you got some bite left in you yet..." Goutetsu got up from his workstation and walked over to Akuma, placing his hand firmly on his shoulder. "I don't think you'll be staying here very long, though."

"...what do you mean?" Akuma's eyes perked up.

"Just my intuition. 'wh-wh-what do YOU meeeaaan.'"

* * *

Street Fighter, Akuma, Sagat and related characters and names © 1987-2004 CAPCOM

DarkStalkers, B.B. Hood and related characters and names © 1994-2004 CAPCOM

King of Fighters, Rugal Bernstein and related characters and names ©1994-2004 SNK Playmore

Cable, Storm, Sentinel, Magneto and related characters and names ©The Beginning of Time-2004 Marvel Enterprises


	16. Something as Mere as the Brink of Life

Ash Crimson seductively licked on his pristine fingernails, fancying the aftertaste of the polish as tasty and salty. But he was getting impatient with frugal Rugal, who was at the Albatross's strategy room with Adolf. Rugal was debating silently whether or not he should accept the French metrosexual's assistance. Rugal sat in a small throne, his hand firmly placed on his chin.

"Hey. What do you have to lose anyway?"

Well...I do need that Satsui no Hadou. ... But...he's just so gay.

"The French...are they stronger than Aryans too?" Hitler wondered out loud. But Rugal was still in meditation.

"So this is the Albatross?" Ash shut his eyes, grinning to himself a little bit and even hummed. He slipped an envelope out of his pocket in between his index and middle fingers, and tapped his shoulder with it. "I forgot to mention, I saw your kid the other day. What's his name, Adelheid? He's got a new airship too! It's either called Sky Noah or Air Jordan."

...I wonder...Adelheid told me he's been watching that Queer Eye show for a while now...maybe he and this guy are...oh, hell the fuck no...

"You know, I think this decision of yours would be a lot easier to make if you knew what was in this little envelope." Ash sauntered over to Rugal's side, and hovered over his left arm. He waved the envelope in front of Rugal's eyes. "I also forgot to mention, I picked this up from Chizuru a while ago too." Ash let the envelope slip out of his fingers and drop onto Rugal's lap. "It's the secret location of the Top Tiers Headquarters!"

"!" Rugal leaped up, his jaw dropped, panting in shock. "The Top Tiers HQ! Not even after hours of torture would Cable or Sentinel divulge it's location!"

"Torture? What'd you do to them?" Ash asked.

"Bukkake."

"Damn. That's just gay."

"You're one to talk, Crimson! But I think I'll go along with your little plan, this time around."

Ash turned around, his back towards Rugal, and walked towards a window where he could see the sun burn the clouds. He liked this view. "Everyone goes along with the plan," Ash muttered under his breath to himself.

* * *

After Millionaire Fighting, Sagat left an idealogical organization called Top Tiers in order to right the wrongs of the world...to appease his soul. But the harder he tried to do good, the more he could not forgive the follies in his life. Sagat eloquently articulated his journey to Duck King over a bottle of Sierra Mist©. Duck was sitting in a comfortable-but-old-looking couch in the back of the record store, while BET's 106 & Park contributed to the light din in the background. No one came often to this store, so Duck King had nothing to lose by listening to Sagat's story.

"I feel for ya, man." Duck King leaned over to open a small refrigerator beside his seat, nearly buried under a pile of XXLs and Maxims. "What're you planning on doing now?"

"I want to find a way to move on...but the path I took is a path of penance. Each good, or generous act I commit, I do only because of my sins at Shadaloo...and even later, at Top Tiers. I broke, no, I crucified a game. Each time I repent, I am simply reminded of my evil."

"So...you lived as a wandering hermit? After Southtown got beasted, we almost all did. I moved to Metro City because it was like Southtown's sister, from what I heard at least. Me and King..."

"King? The muay thai Marcy Darcy? I heard she jacked my low and high fireballs this year."

"Yeah, her. Me and King, we had this cafe once. But after that, you know, I tried owning another business...this one. Something like owning your own shop, it's sobering. I guess the only other thing like it is raising a family. And after what happen to Southtown four years ago...you'd retire from the fighting game pretty quick too. But you, you gave up because you didn't want to hurt people anymore. And you're still beating yourself up today for dumb shit you did when you were younger and stupider!"

"...perhaps I deserved this." Sagat lowered his head, clasping his hands together as if in prayer. "To be chased by the past."

"I dunno how much this is worth to you...but you really shocked me, Sag. I had you all wrong. 'The mountain hurts.'"

"I should say the same thing of you. I wouldn't have guessed that a two-bit Eddy Gordo wannabe could be so perceptive." Sagat chuckled lightly.

"HEY! Eddy came after me! He was biting on MY shit! Anyway, maybe the problem here is, you keep wandering. Always trying to do good to everybody. What you need is to find yourself...so why don't you settle down finally? Hell, settle down here! Go find yourself some friends, get in touch with your family, start a career! Sagat, you're a guy looking to handle your shit, but you gotta have shit to handle first! So, start that shit! You were always traveling, always trying to handle other people's agendas, because you didn't have one of your own!"

"...I like the sound of that plan." Sagat raised his head.

Outside, a young fighter reached into a trash can and pulled out a crumpled up sheet of paper. Yun pulled his hand out of it and read it aloud.

"'TOP TIERS REGISTRATION FORM F-107B: SAGAT.' He threw this out." Yun looked at his newly assigned partner, and nodded his head. "He is definitely in Metro City."

"Finally. How long have you been tracking him down?" Spider-Man poised the question since he was just assigned by Top Tiers to aid Yun in finding the rogue member Sagat. The higher-ups really needed to find the man with the crouching fierce now that the organization itself was threatened by one Rugal Bernstein.

"About three months. ... What game were you top tier in? Because you get tore up in MvC2."

"What, you never played MSH? N00b scrub. By the way, you get beasted by Sakura and Bison in CvS2."

"That's because they're not in 3S. See, I own 3S..."

"I also hear that Ken and Chun double penetrate you in 3S." Spidey razzed on.

"Well fuck them!" Yun snapped back. "And don't you even try to mention Makoto..." Yun turned his ducky hat backwards and looked at his reflection in a record shop window. "Hey, does this look good this way, or the other way?"

"I dunno. A backwards cap just screams 'white boy.'" Spidey looked through the window and spotted their target, Sagat, in plain sight. "Hey, I've been assigned to this for like, a day right? And you spent months trying to find him?"

"Yeah...what's your point?"

"There's Sagat right there."

Yun picked his head up and saw Sagat's unmistakable bulk and shiny dome through the window.

"Oh...shit..."

"From now on, you lost the privilege to say anymore 'HOW DO I SHOT WEB' jokes."

* * *

Akuma sat on a cloud, his mind blank after intense meditation. In the depths of nothingness, he felt a claw linger on his shoulder. Akuma left the feeling alone, unhindered, but gradually, his soul was engulfed in a stinging sensation; he felt as if he was being dragged. Akuma finally turned around, opening his eyes, and saw that the heaven he had once been in was replaced by a dark-tinged world of smoke.

"What?! Have I been sent to Hell?!"

"No, Akuma...you are being dragged back into the world of the living." A voice echoed in the air, and was soon joined by a chorus of voices. "We are Capcom! We cannot kill you off, Akuma! You mustn't die!"

"How dare you...was I not created to die?! Have I not begun to reach an end?! Did I not feel life fade away from my bones?!"

"If you die...then we must resort to creating...EVIL AKUMA. And we don't want to do that!"

"Evil Akuma?! You guys are ridiculous!"

"Or worse yet, we'll have to give you a son! His name will be Shinji, and he'll be half white with long blonde hair!"

"I've heard enough. Fine. I'm going back." Akuma grunted, and felt himself free dive out of nonexistence.

"But alas! Your body has gone missing! We'll have to give you a temporary vessel to use before you can become whole again!"

"WHAT?!"

* * *

"One of these nights...one of these crazy old nights...we're gonna find out, pretty mama...what turns on, at night..."

An old Eagles track, a soulful tune that utilizes its instruments in such a way that they sound melancholy, flowed from an alarm clock radio. Akuma leaped from a heart-shaped bed, after the soft warmth of the velvet blanket surprised him. He began panting, and wandered around the motel room in a daze. The shower in the bathroom was on, and Akuma could hear the hot water sizzle on the ground. He found a mirror in the corner; Akuma was no longer who he used to be. In fact, he ceased being, a he. He was now in a very feminine body, and Akuma hugged her round-yet-petit breasts in shock. Her face was very similar to her former one, but she seemed to be wearing less this time. A thin little scrap of tattered gi covered her chest, and she seemed to be wearing leg warmers from Flashdance. In fact, this girl resembled the original Akuma well...if he had been Midnight Blissed.

"Who the hell are you?" Demitri, the eternally sexed vampire, walked out of the shower, feeling refreshed. "...doesn't matter. Get in the bed; my meter's full."

* * *

Adolf Hitler's hand started to throb, and he spilt his cup of tea on the carpet. The clamor of the cup's spoon resonated eerily in the Albatross's control room, and Rugal turned to the Fuhrer.

"What was that?"

"Just an old dictator trembling." Ash cupped a small amount of baby powder into the palms of his hands and rubbed it caressingly onto his face. "Looks like he's imploding, too."

"AGH!..." Adolf's face began to contort inwards, and soon after, he imploded...and a surge of thick red goo emerged from the carcass. The symbiote had emerged from Hitler's body, and it began to take on an anthromorphic form.

"What the fuck?! Who the hell are you and what did you do to Hitler?!"

"What, you never played MvC, Rugal? That's Red Venom...an agent from Top Tiers!" Ash took out a pair of cucumber slices and placed them on his eyes. Undaunted, he found a couch to lie on and stretched his feet out. "Handle your shit while I catch a little shut eye, okay?"

"DIE...FUCK BESERKER!!!" Red Venom started rushing at Rugal, who was feeling more discouraged than anything else.

"I'm surrounded by red freaks," he said to himself.

* * *

Street Fighter, Akuma, Sagat and related characters and names © 1987-2004 CAPCOM

DarkStalkers, B.B. Hood and related characters and names © 1994-2004 CAPCOM

King of Fighters, Rugal Bernstein and related characters and names ©1994-2004 SNK Playmore

Cable, Storm, Sentinel, Magneto and related characters and names ©The Beginning of Time-2004 Marvel Enterprises


End file.
